intoxicated ; journal entries

journal entry (1)

A couple of months ago, I met this boy. he was in my first period. I met him through a close friend of mine. laying eyes on him the first time, I could feel that desire bubble in my stomach, made my head spin, and nearly every time our eyes met, my heart sunk. he was cool, calm and collected. definitely my type. so we started chatting, and we got to know about each other, some stuff about our life and before we knew it, we were texting each other constantly. we talked so much that he had the courage to ask me to come over. we spent day after day at his place, chilling out and acting flirty. I remember sitting at his bed, his legs sprawled against mine, a tangled mess of comfort as we watched a youtube video. we looked at each other and we we're inches away from kissing and those mumbling thoughts erupted through my head. should I kiss him? he probably doesn't like me that way? damn it all. I got nervous and looked away. after that my feelings sky rocketed. he came over and we continued to draw closer to each other, I must've given him a sign because sooner than ever, he decided to ask me out. so we dated, and he treated me like a princess, made sure to call me beautiful, compliment my body and tell me I was everything to him. he seemed so committed to me that I no longer thought about the things around me. I had never felt this type of love. he did so much for me, he tried to see me as much as possible, but something always got in the way. family. they didn't like the new guy I introduced into my life, neither did they want me to be with him. I let that go and tried to be happy. things slowly hit a downfall and I didn't feel as happy as I felt before, everything slowly collided on top of each other, a mess of scattered anxiety, fear. then we had to move, I could feel the strings holding up my mask come undone, and now everyone could see what was hiding. I could feel tears fall and I didn't stop until hours of watching the new walls of what I called my new home. not even the walls could support me with the comfort that I wished, they weren't from home. I had no home, just a bunch of new homes that I would have to deal with. I didn't want to move away from my friends, my boyfriend either. but it ended up happening anyway. and I was left in an inflatable bed, cold and shivering with anxiety as I waited for morning to come. I woke up with eye bags and cold feet. something new I hoped that I wouldn't have to get used to. i ended up going to school with the happiness I had left and tried to make my last days at school count. before I knew it they days were gone and I had the future to hold upon myself. not only had my life broke apart but so had my relationship..the only way I thought that I could save us, was giving myself to him. so we planned it, and days later we met up at his house. there wasn't the comfort of his bed, nor the sofa, but a cold, unclean bathroom floor where my hands grasped at the door as he prepped me, I felt tears fall from my cheeks and sweat dribble from my forehead, my mouth was agape, noises I never knew I could make, began to huff out as he gripped my waist to silence me. then he deflowered me, from behind, standing up, from the front and all I could feel was sex. not glee nor admiration, just high levels of pleasure and constant need of him to fill me up. I just wanted to keep him was all. I let him destroy me, let him take the petals of my flower and throw them to the floor while I tried to regain them. I felt impure. but I felt like that was the closest I could ever get to him with my body alone. so we constantly made up dates to fuck, not make love at least or walk around the park without sex being the main concern. I was hurt. then he left without notice, only to see him on the snap of another girls snapchat. I would've thought he would have told me sooner rather than leave me for two hours, completely unaware of his surroundings, afraid and crying tears of fear. I felt anger. I asked why but all he could do was complain about how hard it was, to be in a long distance relationship. I decided to spare him and told him to just leave me, I was disappointed and utterly sad. I couldn't process why I was crouched on ten floor sobbing my heart out while my stepfather tried to pick me up. my vision was hazy and I could hear my mother shout about how stupid I was for being with him. I cried harder and started to crawl into my hole of shame, my mind. I could hear the disappointment in her voice, as I continued texting him, telling him I didn't care, that I was hurt enough. It was nighttime when I tried to break the shavers as my skin crawled at itself, leaving long missed marks of disappointment along my used to be clean wrist. I was miserable. when I woke up I received a message from him, and all I could do was scream and cry. he texted me good morning and how he had morning wood thinking about what we were going to do soon. I felt stupid as he sent that stupid text. want to be fuck buddies? because I still love you. my heart broke, and I was completely empty. I thought he loved me for me! not my fucking body? I'm not a object damn it! i fucking hated you I wished you would experience the same pain I felt. I couldn't breath and all I remember was responding with oh.