sanctuary.

00: a new beginning

1/1/14 - A New Beginning

Tyler Lauren Wilson

Everyone always think of the new year as a sign as a new beginning. I on the other hand think that is straight bull shit. With the amount of times I have fucked up in life, I wouldn't even consider new beginnings. Just brush yourself off, and continue from where you left off. Why am I going try an make myself someone I am not when I know that it would be ridiculously hard.

Man, I don't know what the hell to write in this journal. 'Grams' gave me this last year for Christmas, and I stared at her with the most unamused look possible. Yeah, I know that I should be grateful for actually having a grandmother that cares about me, but at the time I thought she was seriously fucking with me. I even flipped through all of the pages looking some sort of gift card or even some money.

I glanced over at my mother who have me a death glare, warning me to change my face. I sighed looking back at the burgundy journal. As I observed the book I took note of the fact that it was small enough to be stuffed into my bag in the morning, and seemed to even have a water proof cover incase I 'accidentally' spill coffee on it. I nodded my head with a grin, Grams did pretty good for an three dollar investment at Ocean State Job Lot.

I thanked my grandmother with a warm smile, followed by a kiss on her cheek as she engulfed me into a bear hug. By the look on her face she seemed delighted that I actually appeared to be enjoying my gift. She then pointed at the journal before reminding me to write in it every day I could, it didn't seem like enough to write every day for a year, but I shrugged knowing I would somehow fill the pages one way or another

A year and one week later, and here I am with tears in my eyes as I clutch this black ball point pen in my right hand, scribbling down everything I could remember from that Christmas morning. I could still remember everything clearly, the afternoon I sat in the waiting room before the nurse called the family to Diana Kennedy Wilson. Chills ran up my spine at the sound of my grandmothers full name being announced, especially since I felt as if I had never heard someone actually call her by her real name. I was so accustom to hearing 'Grams', 'Mom', or 'Diana' on it's own.

I rose from the uncomfortable chair that we had been seated in for the past fifteen minutes before glancing at my younger brother, Christian. He was only seven years old, and barely even knew what was going on, besides him turning to me to ask me all sorts of questions about Grams. Everything from if she was OK to if she would actually be like this for a long time. I tried my best to answer his questions to the best of my ability, trying to keep it understandable for his age. But once I walked into her room, I felt as if my heart shattered into a million pieces. It seemed as if she was asleep for how peaceful she looked, all though she had multiple wires attached to a monitor, beeping often to show she was still alive.

She called my name, as I nodded, walking closer as mom and Chris stood by the door watching me. Once I was beside the bed, she patted a space beside her for me to take a seat. "Remember that journal gave you last year?" She questioned as I nodded my head in response. "I know you haven't been using it, but I want you to do so now. Write whatever you think is best for the moment; poetry, songs, letters, journal entries, your emotions. But remember to always write a letter to me whenever you can. Just to tell me how you're doing. It doesn't matter how long, or short it is. Write something, and always carry that book with you. Don't you forget I'll always be watching over you sweetheart. I love you Tyler." She finished with a grin, pecking my cheek as I smiled in response.

"I love you too, Grams."