I always knew I had feelings for him, but seeing in that hospital bed… so lifeless and still… Something inside of me cracked. I couldn’t stand to see him like that. It was horrible to know that I had escaped that crash inexplicably unharmed and that he had been knocked unconscious by the sheer force of the other car crashing into ours. He looked like an angel. The curls fell perfectly around his sleeping face.
“Jay, I am so sorry this happened. It was all my fault. I should’ve been paying more attention,” I whispered to him. I knew he could hear me. I just knew he could. He had to hear me.
“Nath, we should go,” Siva said from behind me. He tried to get me up, but I wouldn’t move. I was going to stay with him come hell or high water. I was not going to leave him, not like this. “Nathan. He’s not going to wake up. Not tonight at least. Staying here all night getting no sleep is not going to help him. It definitely won’t help you feel any better either,” he said.
I got up unhappily and followed Siva out the door of his room. We walked out of the hospital doors and to the Suburban. As soon as we were safe in the confines of the SUV I let go of my tears. I cried, and cried hard. “Siva, this is all my fault. I should’ve seen that car coming. I should’ve… I could’ve…”
“Nathan, you had no idea that it was coming. Sometimes shit happens. He’ll wake up, you just have to give it time. I know he will. As for it being your fault, it was not. It was the other driver’s fault. He shouldn’t have been turning that way from that lane. You had no idea he was going to do that, so how could it be your fault?”
“I was driving, Siva! I had time to stop, but I just couldn’t. It was like my foot wouldn’t work,” I said as I cried even harder remembering the accident as clear as day.
“No matter what you say, it’s not your fault. Just give it time, Nath. He’ll be fine. The doctor’s said he should wake up tomorrow,” Siva said encouragingly.
“But what if he doesn’t? What if he never wakes up? I can’t live knowing that I more or less killed my best friend! Do you know how this feels? It feels like shit. I can’t even explain how bad I feel right now,” I said getting frustrated with Siva being so positive.
“Well, he will, I know him. He’ll wake up for you, Nathan. He loves you, bro. He really does, and if he knew how upset you were over this, I don’t think he’d be too happy. Remember, he wants you happy no matter what,” Siva said.
“I remember,” I said quietly, suppressing another sob. We rode the rest of the way to the hotel we were crashing at in silence. I couldn’t even look at Siva right then, none the less talk to him. Sometimes he was just a little too positive about everything for my liking.
We walked in and Tom stood in the doorway with his arms wide open. I ran into them and hugged him tightly, not caring how awkward we looked. I was upset, and I didn’t give a fuck. He hugged me tightly back. He had tears in his eyes, and so did I. We walked to our rooms together. “Can we talk?” I asked him when we got to my room.
“Of course,” he said.
We walked into my room and I collapsed onto my bed in a fit of tears. He came over and sat on the edge of my bed and attempted awkwardly to calm me down. “I-I feel like t-this is all my f-f-fault,” I sobbed guiltily into the bedspread.
“But it isn’t. You may feel like it is now, but you know in your heart that it really isn’t your fault. You know Jay wouldn’t want you to feel like it is; he also wouldn’t want you to believe it’s your fault when it really and truly is not. There’s nothing you can do about it, Nathan. Even if you don’t believe it, it really was not your fault at all,” he said.
“You sound exactly like Siva. So positive, it’s rather annoying actually. Positivity, this situation is not something I can be positive about,” I said.
“If you think positive, good things will happen, but if you think negative… Well, things like this are going to happen. I know shit happens, but still, if you’re a pessimist, your life will be full of negativity in everything you do and in everything that happens. If you’re optimistic about things everything will be fine. Pessimists don’t get very far in life,” he said wisely.
“I hate it when you’re right.”
“But you agree with me then, and that’s a big step! Just think positive, Nath,” he said.
“Ugh. I guess I’ll try,” I said as I got up and paced around.
“Good… You should get some rest. I think we’re going to have a long day tomorrow,” he said as he got up. I hugged him tightly again before he left to go to his room.
“Thank you, Tom,” I said as he walked out the door.
I paced around the room for a long time before I decided I was tired. I undressed and jumped into the bed. All I could think about was Jay. It wasn’t helping me at all. I tried to fall asleep, but all I could see whenever I closed my eyes was his motionless body with the tube in his mouth on that bed. It was haunting me like crazy. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I got up and paced around yet again, but that didn’t seem to help. I laid back down again in my bed and turned on the television. I decided to watch the news, but as soon as I got a decent channel up, all I could see was Jay’s face plastered all over the screen. The news channel was covering the crash and all the details. I couldn’t escape it anywhere.
I had to get out of the room. It was driving me fucking crazy. All I could think of was him, and it was really upsetting. I decided to go for a walk even though it was 3 am. I couldn’t stay in that room any longer. I put on some clothes and walked out of the room and down the corridor towards the lifts. I got on one and went to the bottom floor. I walked out into the lobby and sat down in one of the chairs that they had set up near the front door. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and scrolled through my contacts. I decided to explain things to the Twitterverse.
‘Hey guys, Jay isn’t doing so well right now if you’ve seen the news. We hope he’ll wake up sometime tomorrow. Thank you for all the support during this horrible time xx’
I put my phone down and stared up blankly at the ceiling. “How did I know I would find you here?” Max sat down in one of the chairs next to mine.
“I have no idea.”
“You’re obviously upset. Is there anything I can do? I hate to see you like this!”
“I don’t think you can make him wake up, that is literally all I want right now. I want to see his face, see his eyes. I just want to see him. I can’t stand this. I feel so… So empty inside for some reason, like he’s a huge part of me, and now he isn’t even here. It’s crazy to admit, but it’s true,” I said as I started to tear up again.
“Oh, Nathan, he’ll wake up. Have faith bro. Just give it a little time. He hit his head pretty hard,” he said quietly.
“I know, but I want him awake now. I need to know he’s okay. I just… I need assurance. That’s all I want,” I replied.
“Nath, we all want-,”
“Shut up! I know what you all want! It’s the same as me! You just don’t understand… What it’s like to see your best friend… lying half dead in a coma in a hospital b-bed. You have no idea what this feels like for me. It’s fucking horrible. You can’t even imagine what this feels like, Max. You can’t even imagine…” My voice trailed off.
“Listen, Nath, I know you’re upset. We all are. I know you love Jay way more than the rest of us, but yelling at me and the others, well that’s not going to help you, not at all. Yelling at us won’t make him wake up any faster. It’s not going to do him or you any good. If you keep yelling, you won’t have a voice to tell him how much you love him when he does wake up,” Max said as an incentive to not yell anymore.
