Stars in Depression

When you have depression
It picks at your skin like the claws of the sleeping beast inside you
When you have depression
It holds you down like the waves of the sheets on your bed the morning, trying to drown you
When you have depression
It screams like it's on fire yet doesn't say a single thing

You feel like a rock at the bottom of the ocean
You feel like the remains of a forest, burned to the ground
You feel like charcoal on a blackboard
You don't feel at all

Every breath is a battle, and every word is a war
Talking about it, is like climbing a mountain.

So don't tell me to just be happy, cuz goddammit if it was that easy we wouldn't be here right now would we.
Don't tell be to think more positive,  because it's all in my head, and that's exactly the problem. If it wasn't in my head I could think I could feel I could breath

If I could paint you a picture of how I feel, the canvas would be empty
I am empty I am numb I am broken

But don't say, for a second, that I gave up
Because I'm still here. And goddammit I been surviving for too long to give up now.

Yeah, surviving, that's what I've been doing.

And if you still don't get it, let me tell you a little story.
It starts out with a boy who hates himself
So many people do, so why not join in
So he says to himself: you're stupid
Then he says: you're a dumbass
Then he says: you're a waste of space
Then he says: kill yourself, it won't hurt, everyone wants you to, just do it.
Then he says nothing.

Now do you get it?
You can say whatever you want about me
I'll be fine. Like water off a duck's back
But if you say it enough, I can't help but listen a little bit.
And if I listen long enough, I'll believe it.
And when I believe it, I'll join in.
I'll put myself down more, because if you can't beat them, join them, right?

That's when I lose, or that's when the game is over, because I've been losing from the very beginning.

I'm tired
I've been remembering things for too long
I'm tired of being the last one awake, actually I've been awake for years
I've been scared I've been depressed I've been alone

So how does one deal with this, this everything?
Well, I don't know
I just try to submerge myself into other worlds
From books to music, I just try not to be here.
Because it's easier to be in a book then it is in your own home.

So, if I've learned anything
It's that hating yourself is exhausting
And existing is not living
And to never underestimate pain you haven't endured
And that one day you will be much more than just ‘enough’
And after awhile, you can get used to just about anything
And that it doesn't help to hide your feelings
And that everyone has gone through something that has changed them so much that they can't go back to being the same person as they were before
And that the world can be overwhelming
And that's okay

I learned I am not voiceless.

I will tell my story if I have to crawl through hell first

I will be the star that burns like wildfire, turning each lie to ash

We're stars, you and I
surrounded by darkness
And born in chaos
But damn, do we know how to shine.