four butterflies

life is never what it seems its simply what you make of it. all my life growing up I wanted to be the best I can be. As a teenager I made made lots of twist and turns in my life. some to be proud of and some not I wasn't a perfect teenager but my stepmom my mom my best friend has always had my back and best interest in mind her and my dad. even though I was a hard headed teenager.(I love u guys for always being there and continue to).I was tould. that that you'll never know what love truly is untill you meet your child for the frist time. they were right. I rember that day early that day was at mommoms(Kathy Lyons) me and ed were fighting so I stayed with here while working. I was 35 weeks into my pregnancy. I was sick all the time and couldn't keep nothing down. I woke up at 4 in the morning with bad sharp pain I layed on the bed in there spare room untill I felt the pain get sharp. I took a hot bath six times before. Katherine tould me we needed to go to the hospital after calling the dr me ed and kath headed over to the hospital to get checked out. after being there for a couple. hours and tired and feeling good. I was tould oh your a frist time mother and don't know the difference between being in labor or not. I knew something was wrong but lost the fight so we headed back to kath to get some sleep. not even. an hour later I woke up to so much pain I couldn't walk I tryed screening for ed but he couldn't hear me. it took everything I had to get on my hands and knees. I crawled to the top of the. stair way and screamed his name once more he came up the steps and helped me to my feet. I started throwing up because the pain was so bad. we were tould to go back hours later Alexia rose mazzarelli was born at 10:20 pm on April 7 2008 at 5lb 6oz c-section. I started bleeding. so they took her. I rember waking up in in the recovery room being greeted by all my loved ones. they took me to see her in the icu before taking me to my bed. I remembering seeming this small beautiful angel all hooked up to wires and tubs. in that moment my heart stoped and my head went thinking did I do something wrong I didn't drink nothing but water and I didn't do drugs. I cried for her I cried because I never loved someone so much. I remember walking out of the hospital with out her IV never felt so much pain and emptyness I wanted my baby. I spent a week going back and forth to the hospital. when I was tould she was ok to come home but I had to go to a class with kath to learn CPR. becouae she was coming home with a breathing not to Monter her. lex had problems she didn't do things like roll right a way she didn't sit till 9 months and was unstable even then. people even notice her eyes were not right but was a frist time mother and attack who ever said one word about my daughter I finally had to come to ends with my self. lex went through brain scans and ekgs and blood work and even eye. surgery to fix her eyes. it took us three years for us to get an answer to what was wrong. she has a deletion to her sceond crimazone. with has a side affect of Autisum. and muscle delayed. she didn't talk al all. and the blanke seizures she fought. she walks and even talking a little I have to say she is kids that lighs ur day just being next to her. she is a Mommom girl I'm sorry but everyone knows its true IV never seen a bond like there's in my life. I fought it while kath was only looking out for lex best interest and we bumped heads plenty of times tomany but till this day she is a big part in my life and I wouldn't. know what to do with out her. On may 6 2010 at 4:10 pm I gave birth to a 6lb 7oz baby boy Edward Michael mazzarelli. this boy was love at frist sight a delight to have so layed back big bright blue eyes he loved his sister like no other lex would always attack him but that didn't stop him from loving her. he was so layed back until he turned three. he is now my all out boy my dare devil. not scared of nothing laugh at scary clips on YouTube(the rocking chair) at the age of only 3 he stands up to his dad and said my mom is the boss of me. Lex now five and Eddy three there best friends yes they fight over every thing but still love each other.on August 27 at 10:10 pm at 5 lb 10oz I had Hailey Kathleen mazzarelli. that day me and kath sat there waited for Hailey when they pulled her out she did on cry and stopped breathing. I rember turning my head while the drs tryed to get her back. I prayed to God like I never prayed before I even asks him to bring her back and take me instead. it was then I realize that God has the full power in our life to take or give at any moment. I rember holding Hailey for the frist time ever I was in love for the second time she was stubborn then and is even more stubborn at the age of one. she is a mommy girl all the way and every body's couddle bug. she loved giving out kisses butterfly kisses nothing more sweeter I- was happy with the three not wanting any more I was looking forward to enjoying Hailey she was the last one after all or so I thought. I was taking Yazmin birth control pills when I got pregnant. me and Eddy talked for weeks about what had to do we both agreed on an abortion. I know its wrong to even think about or making it an option.before u say what was she thinking right. I couldn't do it I couldn't we fought for weeks and I didn't care I refused to do it and I so glad that I change my mind he's a happy bouncy blue eye boy his smile lights you up in side. on July 18 20013 I spent my 27 birthday with my step mom(thanks April that was the best sleep over ever love u mom) at six pm 7lb 6oz. William Gordon Rabe Mazzarelli was born.(I did get my tups tied this time lol) he was named after a wonderful person role model his great uncle Billy. IV never had the chance to meet him but IV been tould so many wonderful stories about him

Rip Billy

every day is a struggle yes for kids one with autism. lets just say a good book and hot bubble bath when e very one is sleep is a vacation. yes I do have my overwhelming moments and days. And I feel realty bad when I have them. I'm there mother I would be ok not crying becouse becouse lex was fighting each other all day with Hailey screaming cause her teeth is bothering her and juggling a new born with the house chore and three meals a day. I do what I can and the best that I can.Big ed was in an out of the hospital with depression. so that alone is a struggle walking on egg shells not to causing a arguments. yes his words hurt especially when said in front of the kids. I feel like there is nothing between us any more. don't get me wrong he loves the kids very much at that. I was ask how do I do it. Well the only answer I have is I just do. I live for my kids my life is my kids. my four beautiful butterflies different in there own way its the best way to discribe them. butterflies are different size color ans shape but there still the most meaning full insects alive. and that's it my kids are all different in there own way but still very meaning full to there family.

April, daddy,kath, Tom I just want to say thank u for every thing and always being there for me. the kids are so lucky to have wonderful grand parents like you for. we love u guys very much.