The Weight of Guilt

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I sit in the shower and put my head against the tan marble and just stare at the faucet and contemplate what I have just done. I start to feel queasy again. I choke down the urge to puke again and stand.

After a few minutes of standing in the shower and washing all of the blood off of my face and hair I stumble out of the bathroom and put on some pajamas before walking to the kitchen and washing  the blood off of the knife and placing it back in the box.

I return to my room, pick up the dirty clothes and stumble to the laundry room. I drop the ball of black clothing in the machine and turn it on. I lean against the washing machine and slowly sink to the floor. I hug my knees to my chest as I start to shake and hyperventilate. My head starts to spin, my eye sight was getting fuzzy. My brain starts to run through what seems to be the worst possible scenarios.

You could get arrested for Gods sake. What if someone saw you? What if you let it slip? What if you were caught on camera? Being a careless idiot has finally done you in. Your parents wont save you now. They wont love you now that you have killed a man. You are a monster. Not even human anymore. They'll lock you up in the jail or throw you in a white plush box. I hope you like plain oatmeal and plain white rice.


"No...." I whisper to myself "I wont let this happen. I have control." I take in a deep raspy breath and rise to my feet. the washing machine had stopped and the clothes within were ready to be placed in the drier. After placing the wet clothes in the drier I wander to the kitchen hoping to find something to distract myself with. Avoiding the knife box at all costs, I begin to rummage around in the fridge and end up finding some cherry tomatoes I take them to the sink and wash them off before popping one in my mouth. Focusing on the tomatoes and nothing else I wind up eating half of the container. I close the lid and place the cherry tomatoes back in the fridge.

The drier signaled that it was done so I grabbed my now clean clothes and creeped back up to my room. I gently closed the door and started to fold the clothes and put them back in their place.

"There. It's like nothing ever happened" I mumble as I fall into bed. I knew I wouldn't sleep so I just sit and stare at the wall for hours on end

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