Sacrifices (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Forgiveness.

The next morning I woke alone in my bed.  I sat up my body still ached. How many days had I slept through?  Then I started realizing how many amends I would have to make.  The thought alone caused me to flop backwards on to the bed.  I pulled the covers over my head and curled up into a ball.  Maybe I could just hide here.  For the rest of my life.  A distinct flapping entered the room.  My face scrunched waiting to be scolded.  But I stayed still hoping he wouldn't think I was awake.

"I know you're awake," Castiel said.

"Oh, good morning," I said awkwardly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Still tired, but more physically than anything."

"Seems you're through the worst of it."

He stood there saying nothing.  It felt a little awkward.  I sat back up and threw off the covers.  He turned his attention back to me.

"Castiel, I really messed up.  What I did to you it's unforgivable.  I'm so sorry," I said in a hushed tone.

"Anything can be forgiven.  I could see the look of distress in your eyes when we fought.  You were past the point of being in control."

"But-"

"There is nothing else to be said.  It wasn't you. We know that.  You have to accept it," his tone more stern than before.

"I'll try."

A gentle knocking at the door called our attention.  The door pushed open.  Dean looked at us.  Cas explained he was checking in on me.  He passed by Dean, exiting the room.  My feet were on the floor.  My elbows rest on my knees allowing my hands to hang in front of me.  He brought in some water.  He set it on the table next to the bed.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I'm not sure.  To be honest, I just want to stay asleep."

"Then I'd never get to spend time with you."

I tried to form a smile, but it wasn't going to happen. He sat down on the bed next to me.  I sighed as he pulled me closer to him.  We didn't say a word.  And I don't think there was anything that could be said to make this easier.  But I didn't deserve this.  I didn't deserve Cas forgiving me.  Or Dean trying to comfort me.  It hurt me deep down.  I couldn't bear the pain anymore.  My arms wrapped around Dean.  I held him tightly as I buried my face into his chest.  The tears poured from my eyes.  He was taken aback by the sudden movement.  But he stayed there until the crying subsided.  I don't know how long it lasted and I didn't care.  I needed to cry.

"Feeling better now?" he asked running his hand through my hair.

I nodded but stayed silent.

"You wanna go get some food?"

I didn't move I just sighed.  He pushed me away as I clung to him.  Finally he pried me off of him.  He held my sulking figure up and looked at me. My head hung lower as he grabbed my chin gently and lifted it.

"We all know it wasn't you doing those things, why can't you accept that?" he demanded.

"Dean," I paused, "I killed people. Innocent people. A ton. What am I supposed to feel? It may not have been me, but I was there for the ride."

"It doesn't change how I, or any of us, feel."

"Shut up,"  I groaned.

"No,"he said sharply, "stop beating yourself up.  Crowley forced you into that mess.  I know you wouldn't have wanted that.  Not after what happened to your family.  It wasn't you.  We know that. Just try to understand that. Okay?"