Evan Woods One Shot

I can't believe I did it again. I slouched on the dark couch in my tree house, overlooking the midnight black sky that loomed just beyond the window. Running my hands through my hair I sighed, looking back up at the ceiling. Jules. She tries so hard to help me, to get close to me, but I can't do it. I can't let her swim with the vicious monster that rests inside me. I could feel a sharp stab in my chest as she invaded my thoughts. 

Mrs. Strawberry. I couldn't help myself. Her bright, smiling face appeared in my thoughts. I could see her reaching out for me, her finders inches away from where my cold heart lay. The image faded from memory and I ran my hand through my hear once more, as if that would help. I wanted more of her. I wanted to be there for her, to protect her. But I can't protect her if I'm the one who's the threat. And at this point I didn't even know if I could get her back if I tried, I screwed up, bad.

I can't believe I ever let her get so close, I can't believe myself for letting her in to the point where she knew me for the person I was. She has always been to innocent for her own good, and damn it I loved her. And it was so hard to push her away. The look on her face that night in town square broke my heart. Her eyes had not only shimmered with a sorrowful look I'd never seen in her, but in that look was anger. Just thinking about it made me shiver, the thought of her heart aching because of me, the thought of her hating me because of what I'd done. I gritted my teeth; how could I have done it. Why couldn't I just let her go?  I wasn't good for her, I can't be there to treat her like the peachy girl she is. And I left her, in that moment in the pouring rain, I had to. I wanted to go back, to taste the honey on her lips and the warmth of her touch. But I knew I couldn't let her in again, only to come to myself again and push her away. That wouldn't be fair, it's not right for me to treat her feelings like a game. 

But every time I talk to her that feeling comes back. Damn it, I can feel it even when she's not there. My heart screams for me to let her in, to hold her and be everything I can be to her, to let her be the one to fill the empty hole in my chest. But my brain has a different thought in mind, it always does. It knows I'm no good for her. I know I'm no good for her and it takes all of me just to stay away from her. I couldn't have her, I shouldn't have her. I had to protect her. 

I stood up and paced the floor, my converse thumping dully against the stained wooden floor. I wanted more than anything to call her, to hear her sweet voice again. I wanted to go to her, to tell her I was sorry. But I can't. I can't let her in anymore. I needed to be strong for her, because I will not wound her precious kind heart. The dark poet never deserved to have a peachy girl. The shark knows he can only kill, he knows what he is capable of. And, with the scars marking his soul, he swims away back into the darkness to protect the one thing he loved most.