Once More, With Squealing: A Buffy Fanfic

The Spire Brigade

On a Sunnydale street at night, the throngs of people were dressed provocatively (if they were dressed at all); some in lace, some in leather, some in furry animal costumes. As they sang and danced and fought and cavorted and combusted, Buffy was standing alone, ignoring the chaos that her town had descended into. As she stared into a trash fire and held her hand out to it, she realised she still felt cold. Since she'd come back to life, there had only been one thing that had made her feel warm inside, so she decided to reflect upon this with a song:

I touch Spike's spire and it pleases me

My luck now sucks for it's gone slack

It made me squeal

But now it lacks all zeal

I want his spire back

Just the thought of Spike's restored magnificence was enough to put a spring in her step and a smile on her face, as she then noticed an image of Dawn and her hot red demon captor in the fire's flames, and so Buffy set off jauntily to face whatever fate had in store for her, as she continued her singing:

Now to the Bronze I walk with glee

To go and slay this demon dame

And sing a song

Just hope I save his schlong

I guess I have no shame

So I will march for Spike's spire

'Cause what else makes me drool

I will march for Spike's spire

And keep my-

Meanwhile, in an alley behind The Magic Box, Spike was sitting, his hands holding a wilting cigarette. Unlike the other denizens of Sunnydale running around in their underwear, he prided himself on the fact that he was still wearing his normal black coat, despite the fact that he was completely naked underneath. He looked down to his lap at what would have been a bulge but was now an indent, and sang about his shrinkage:

It's torture, yeah, this mini-me

Guess Buffy's mocking it, alas

Hope she combusts

I'll be free of her lusts

"I'd better save her ass," he concluded, as he flicked away his cigarette, got to his feet, and went off into the night, compelled to continue singing.

And at exactly the same time that Spike was walking along a street singing, elsewhere, inside the Bronze, the musical demon was singing remarkably similar lyrics, along with accompanying thrusting actions, to an increasingly-embarrassed Dawn:

'Cause she is drawn to the spire

Some people are such fools

And she will march for Spike's spire

And keep it-

Meanwhile, Buffy's friends were back at The Magic Box, all in their underwear, apart from Giles who was still in his Rocky Horror attire, now with some extra socks added to his posing pouch. So wrapped up was Giles in his lecherous thoughts of Buffy, that he didn't even notice he was singing them aloud:

Will she have a thong or changed hair

Or be wearing something stranger

Is my slayer down to underwear?

"What if Buffy cannot stop it?" Xander sang to Giles.

"Beady Eye is right - let's hop it!" sang Anya. "Or I could just sing a smash, oh yeah!"

Anya's words were enough to spur the others into action, as everyone started heading for the door, united in their mission and their singing:

We'll all help out

It's what we're always all about

So we will march for Spike's spire

As the gang entered the street, Buffy and Spike were wandering separate streets, all of them headed towards the Bronze.

"So inch by inch it shrank from me, I guess I just can't face defeat," sang Buffy.

"What can't she face if she's in leather?" sang Anya, not even realizing that, on a different street, Buffy was singing over the end of her line:

For when it grows

And when we're in the throes

Nothing can compete

Back in the Bronze, the demon decided that there were already enough people singing the tune without the need for her to join in too. Her brother would have no doubt felt the urge to sing over them, but he loved his lyrics. Not that she wasn't musical, but she was content just to dance around in front of Dawn and practise her licks.

"We must go and save our saviour," sang Anya.

"Soon I'll thrill her with my sabre," added Spike.

"All we ever sing about is schlongs," Tara sang glumly.

"With my sabre I will fill her," Spike elaborated.

"I get one line, this buzzkiller," Willow complained.

"What's it gonna take to right these wrongs," Giles sang soulfully.

"These endless nights will finally end up in a fight," sang Buffy as she arrived, alone, outside the Bronze, while elsewhere Spike and the Scoobies continued to walk their respective streets, as the song continued towards its conclusion:

And Buffy's wrought with such ire

For Spike needs to retool

So we will march for Spike's spire

And keep our cool

At this point an ice cream truck zoomed past behind Giles and the Scoobies, playing the song's tune in the jingly-jangly hurdy-gurdy way that ice cream trucks are known for, but they just ignored it and continued their marching and singing:

Keep our cool

Keep our cool

Keep our cool

On the last note of the song , Buffy kicked down the Bronze's door.

The demon looked over, smiled and licked her lips in anticipation. At last the moment had arrived; foreplay was over, and it was time for the big climax. She leered approvingly at The Slayer's tasteful attire of skintight red leather corset, fishnets and thigh-level stiletto boots.

"It's ho time…"