01/08/2014
It all started the one day I lost hope, everything began to fall in to place. I was the lowest I had ever been in my whole life and all of a suddenly like a bow and aarow I was shot forward in to the bulls-eye, or so I think. I didn't know what to believe in, and I still don't, honestly. I can't understand how someone like me could ever deserve to be happy, and so I still worry about what these new people think of me, I can't help but think they are growing annoyed of me and talking behind my back. It is what I've grown used to, people taking my emotions and twisting them, throwing them in my face and making me apologize. This is why I don't understand why these people have the kindness to treat me well. I don't want to trust them, albeit I already am. They have been short with me lately though, which worries me a great deal. I don't know if I have somehow upset them. It is quite possible I did something to irritate them and lost one of my only chance to fit in with people I seem to get along with, but that is just how I am, maybe I just never belonged in the first place, I am bound to wander.
01/10/2014
I drove faster and faster and faster. Intuition with me was almost always correct, and although at first I was so happy; I saw this coming all along. I just wanted friends that could keep me happy, that I could be myself around. I guess I deserved this all along though. I'm not a very good person, so why did I dare deserve happiness? Some how thinking this made me not care about myself in my car, a potential death trap if I crashed. I went faster and faster, tears blurring my eyes and my mind. I should've never opened up, but it is too late now. I shouldn't have tried even involving myself, everyone has their people, and I don't. I thought I had finally come to terms with this, but apparently something inside me hadn't been completely crushed. I don't know any more though. I kinda had a sliver of hope in my heart that maybe some people like me would accept me for once and I wouldn't be judged. This time I let the walls in my mind crash and I crashed with them. It was a short time, but it made me happy. I wish I crashed in that goddamn car.
01/11/2014
Bombs keep dropping around me, collapsing my safe world. I thought I'd finally found peace since the last time my world collapsed, but no, obviously not. Everywhere I dare step I get eaten and stripped down by gallons of emotional acid. I'm just sick of it, everytime I try to do something good in my life, it never works. Its like being thrown to the lions after you've just had to walk through the deadliest of dry deserts to find civilization, where they treat you nice, they strip you down and then flay you alive. The friends you thought you had, but really they were just enemies with kind faces. What did I do to deserve this? I thought I'd finally just come out of the hard times, so I get a week to let people in to my mind then I get the bomb brigade? I don't understand how this hell of a place works. I don't understand how humans work on the inside, are they clockwork, computer minds programmed to destroy people just trying their best? Why do I deserve this?
