does your stomach hurt? // philkas

chapter seven

PHILIP'S POV

It's been about a week since I started distancing myself from Lukas, he's called a few times, texted a few more times. He even attempted to come over once. Even in school he attempted to talk to me, which was slightly weird, considering he's never even thought about coming at me in school before. Unless you count the times he's literally assaulted me, shoving me, punching me, abusing me. 

Yeah, Something about him, it's like an addiction. Everything he does, everything he says, it's fucking memorizing. He could simply just breathe and I would find it as beautiful as the stars twinkling in the middle of the coldest night of the year, where everything was so frozen and clear. He literally doesn't even do anything at all and it has me weak in the knees. It makes it hard to stay away.

I need to stay away though. I have to. I always tell myself that, it's becoming harder though.

The past couple of nights, they have been tougher than usual. It seems like every single memory of my mom comes flooding in, all at once. It never leaves, it still hasn't left. For five whole days the good memories have been on repeat. It hurts, hurts so bad I'd rather be dead. Oh god, I would so rather be dead. Why can't I be dead? 

The thought has always been there, I can't exactly remember when it got there, but it's been there for quite some time. Depending on the day, sometimes it was quiet, like it was just lurking in the shadows. Other days, it was loud, piercing every thought with the following thought of how good it would feel to be dead. All of this pain, this misery, it would all be gone. Everything would be gone. 

Then thoughts kept rolling in, what happens after death? Is this so called 'heaven' thing real? Maybe reincarnation? Maybe, we fly amongst the stars, feeling nothing. Perhaps our soul just dies along with our body. Meaning everything we've ever done just didn't matter. Does it matter? Does anything matter? 

The whole idea of life is bullshit. We're born, then we go through countless years of school, learning to hate ourselves and nothing more, after that we grow up just to die. There is literally no point. So why is death such a big deal? 

Why am I keeping myself away from Lukas if that's the case? Why in the hell have I been depriving myself of the one live thing that makes my skin run wild at just the sight of him? If nothing mattered, why was I so scared of hurting him? If nothing mattered and if everything was only temporary why was I so worried about hurting him? The hurt, the pain, it would all only be temporary. 

So I called him. 

I don't think I've ever heard him pick up a call so quickly, "Philip?" I froze, did I really want to do this? Did I want to give this boy, who has tortured me, my time of day? Of course I did, this boy was Lukas. 

"Hey, uh, I don't really quite understand why I called you, I don't know, I guess I just missed your voice, and, Oh god Lukas, I need you. Please, come over. You don't have to worr-" I was cut off.

"I'm on my way." With that he hung up, without even letting me finish what I had to say. It kinda made me giddy, anxious even. 

--

About 7 minutes later I could hear the roar of a motorbike, gradually getting louder as it got closer. I began to become squeamish. Everything about Lukas, made me roar to life. Just the thought of him made me feel automatically hyped. 

The sound then shut off, I rolled over in bed. Grabbing my phone I sent him a quick text to just come on in, nobody was home. Nobody was ever home. 

I heard the front door open, then close, immediately followed by quick footsteps that lead all the way up to right in front of my door. I swallowed, hard. 

"Philip." I didn't look at him, this was my last chance to keep myself away from him. Did I want to do this? Let myself fall deeper into this dark pit of Lukas?  I heard his steps coming closer, I closed my eyes. If I look at him, I'll melt. I'll fall. 

But, who am I kidding? I'm already in this deep pit. He's all I ever think about. So, I turn and I make eye contact, instantly. I can see the worry, was that worry? I can't tell. "Philip please." I roll onto my other side, facing him. Observing him. He takes a step closer, weary. 

I pat the bed, letting him know it was okay. He lays beside me in the twin-sized bed.  Each of us on our own claimed sides. The space between us felt like a canyon, the biggest canyon in the world. "Lukas." I breathed, oh god did I breathe. It was the first time in over a week that it felt like I actually fucking breathed. 

I craved him, craved the feeling of his lips against mine, to the point of no return. I craved his hands on my body, maybe not in a sexual way, or maybe even in a sexual way. I craved to breathe as one. I craved everything about him. 

I leaned in, pressing my lips against his, quick. It was only a peck. I pulled back, furrowed my eyebrows and sighed. It just hit me, of exactly how much I missed him. I fucking missed him. 

I kept my eyes shut as my hands played with his shirt, just playing with it, distracting myself. I could feel his hand cup the side of my face, running his fingers over every inch. "Philip, what's wrong?" 

I could feel the tears start to sting my eyes, and my body start to shake as I mumbled a very nonverbal "nothing." 

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ayyy a kinda longer chapter hope u enjoyed

i kinda now know where i wanna take this whole thing so that's that

(i also never go back to edit my work when i write a full chapter at a time so like if there's anything that doesnt make sense/ a typo just comment and call me out i beg)

also vote nd comment ;)