sad

onë

i've always wanted to be that 'golden kid'. That kid who have all the attention,the love,the support and all the award she/he achieved.

the kid who have everything she/he wants. their parents love them, support them and talks about them with all other parents.

that kid who is popular. she was the prettiest girl at school, or he was the charming boy. the one kid who is really talented and real smart as hell.

i've started to think that i was soooo far behind them. those perfect kid was too perfect. I tried to look myself in the mirror ,thinking what am i good at,and the only i was good at is just on art.

then the negative side of me comes out, making me even worse about myself.

im not pretty,how could she be that pretty,

she was really smart, i could never be like her

she's really popular, boys always chasing her.

and then there's me ,who just get an F in my test,who just got beaten and yelled because of it.

popular? not even close,even the class next door didn't even know who i am.

my face was just a mask of a fake happy face.

i didn't even care about life anymore ,bcs i was so Shitty.

love story?i gave up,too much to handle

sick and tired of all this shit
JUST TO DAMN TIRED!.

everything i do was wrong ,never perfect for they're eyes. Even my on family never support me for doing what im trying/i love to do.

My family was messed up. My mom hates me,she loves beating me for just the lil thing i do, and it was just not a fcking big deal. I was the trash kid,the stupid-est kid from all of my sisters, my mom said that.

im the middle kid, the kid who'd been the trashy kid, my older sister was the golden kid, my parents love her with all they're love ,support and being the kid who worth being proud for and my younger sister got all her attention,all the love,all the support.

but me ,things i have was all outworn by my older sister.My mom will tell the trashy things about me like i never win a competition or shit. all i get was the shit things,the word that even u will be hurt.
"STUPID"
"A TYPE OF KID LIKE U WILL NEVER BE A SUCCESSFULL PERSON"
"THAT'S ALL U CAN DO? UR NOT EVEN TALENTED" etc.

yes my mom said that

i've never get that support of doing what i love and that's art. Buying all the equipment was just to hard. My mom will never let me. And i have to beg dad for it .

every time i paint she will yell at me and say
"What The Hell  r u doing, u're just gonna make a big mess"

can i fckin stab myself in the throat
i said in my mind.

IT HURTS! EVEN UR ON FAMILY DOESN'T SUPPORT U.

it cut my heart just bcs of that

i was hurt so much,i'd got really depressed,i go to my bathroom and started crying there.this is not a bathroom it was a Crying Room.
All my sadness was bursting out of my mind and i just can't control it.

"IF I CAN'T DO THE THING THAT IM GOOD AT THEN WTF DO U WANT ME TO BE?! HOW DO U EXPECT ME TO BE A FCKIN SCIENTIST WHEN I CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MY OWN BODY
DO U EXPECT ME TO BE LIKE SMART LIKE JESSY?! HOW?! U SAID IM STUPID! I AM?! GOD!
I HATE LIFE !"
i said

that last word is the end of my arguments,its like my mind was blowing up ,and then POP!

it hurts SO BAD, i try to stop for a second.

i wash my face with water then i looked to my mirror ,my eyes was already red, my face  was red i can't see clearly bcs my eyes was swollen and my mind and my heart HURTS REAL BAD!.

Then i go locked my self in my room,no lights,in the corner of my bed all tucked in with my blanket and playing a sad song just to make me even more sad.i can't stop crying until all of my sadness was gone .

I can't see nothing with the darkness of my room,i did it on purpose,just to make me focus on things that i want to let go. I was sobbing so hard,my tears were all over my pillow. My ears only heared the music,but i can't barely hear the music bcs the sound in my head was just too loud.

" STUPID"
"ur not clever"
" ur not even close to smart"
"useless"
"bitch"
"you're just a lame kid"
"UGLY!"
"you will never be like her"
"you will never win a trophy"
"everything i do is wrong"
"what should i do?!
"I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!"
"Im So lonely"
"im suck"
"can i die now?!".

the more i think about the trashy shit about myself making me cry even more. This argument inside my head was too much,and my mind just exploded, and i think my heart was next bcs of too much anger,sadness and depressed.

all of that stuff just keep coming and coming. THAT ONE WORD just changes me ,and it hurt real deep .

i wish i never been existed,life has never been fair to me.

i can't even see anything because of my tears,im trying to wipe it away,but it's useless,'cause it just keep drowning.

with my eyes close,im trying real hard to think of a happy future,but its all just full of hatred in life

I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT

i kept crying until suddenly i fell asleep.

i was late night crying,fill with sadness,stressed,depressed,hatred,feeling empty.

and i've survived the night,not life

if u're sad just let go everything inside of u,it's okay if u're crying.
keeping it all inside will just making it worse.
been there done that.