Dear You.

It has never hit me as hard as it has right now to know that the one person you love and care about just decided to up and leave. She can say all she wants that I cut you out of my life but I didn't, you did. I would never truly cut you out. I know I technically did, but she pushed me to it, I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. She got inside my head, more than once sad to say, and it made me believe things I shouldn't have, things I should've known to be lies I believed. She got me so good. 

And then the 26 days of no speaking started. And then I was perpetually sad, just about every day. Everything would just hit me and I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about it. You literally were the only person I ever told everything to with no hesitation, and even if I was holding off telling you things I still told you. I tried to fix it too, but that's just a crazy story of tragic events. You were that friend I wished for my entire life, and now it's like you never wanted anything to do with me. I don't know if it was her influence, or maybe you were just tired of me, I honestly don't know, and I never will know. 

I hate her for what she did to me, what she did to us. I remember the 14th being pretty normal, nothing being tampered with, and then the next day my world was changed forever. This affected me that much. Everyone tells me you weren't worth it, you were shitty, but I can't believe that. I can't sit here and be sad and believe that our whole entire friendship was a lie. You told me things too, that most people wouldn't know about you too. It was mutual, it can't be a lie. I can't believe that. 

I just don't know why you didn't try to talk to me about it all, you just left me behind. I feel like she would want my head if I ever sent this to you, but I have always put my happiness on the line for other people, and then we became friends and it was like that. Yes, the way my feelings started out with you was wrong, but it was barely a month of that, and it subsided after I figured out you two were an item, so really that wasn't even the problem, and I told you explicitly that I was done liking you that way, and you would have known if I still had those types of feelings. 

I can't believe she even thought I wanted you, WHILE YOU WERE DATING HER. You, of all people know I am not a home wrecker of any kind. Even when I was basically head over heels for Megs all those months ago I knew she had a boyfriend and I was totally respectful of that and I didn't dare do a thing, even though you said very mixed things about the topic. You were one of the first people, behind Helen; I told that I was Bisexual. I'm this close to like crying because this is extremely hard for me to digest. 

 I have never felt so emotional to losing someone, and I don't know how to deal with it, how to move forward. I thought I was over it, but then she messaged Helen, and she was stalking my Tumblr, and I went on yours because you followed me back (that was probably her doing), and I saw some of the posts and I just walked away from the computer. "Remove toxic people from your life", "Oh that's right I don't care", posts like that sent me flying. I don't know how to react to anything anymore; I don't know how to feel about anything anymore. I don't even know why I'm writing this, probably to get it all out of my head.

 It's not fair, it's really not fucking fair. You can move on, pretend I never existed, and I have to sit here, and be reminded day in and day out that I was ditched and defeated by a tiny 22 year old girl who was jealous that I would steal her boyfriend from her. I hate life; I don't even understand how people think that way. and she was so two-faced, she read the letter and she said she thought it was cute and all positive things, and then uses it all against me. And O'Brien, that little douchebag. I got a tip from a friend that he was putting things into her head, which does explain why she decide to blow up in my face, but he's contributed to my emotional downfall by opening his mouth and putting in his two cents. Helen still to this day wants to kill him for his part in all of this. I appreciate Helen, Jeffrey, Meghan, and even Kyle now, for trying to pick up the pieces that were destroyed in the fire. They have become my sources of release and spirit; they are slowly giving me my shell back. 

I still want my friend back, but how would we move on? How would I know you wouldn't just go away again? How do I know you even wanna see me ever again? I don't even know what it is that you truly want from us if you ever wanted anything at all. I don't know anything right now. I have 2 research papers to do, tests to study for, packing up to go home I have to start, food to eat, but you still come on top, as important as all the other things are. 

I love you Wilson, not romantically, but as a friend and as a person. If you never speak to me ever again I want you to know that I did, still do, and probably always will. It's all or nothing, and this was an all situation. You've also gotten me to become more open about what I decide to discuss. I didn't want people to know i was Bi, but you changed that also, and I never really realized that until now. Maybe I'm giving you too much credit, or maybe I'm not giving you enough credit, or something in between. 

She thinks that I only wanted you, and that's partly true, post argument. I thought we were friends honestly, her and I. She would talk to me about stuff, have a real conversation. Id talk a little because it only felt right for it to be a 2 sided thing, and we had a friendship. She should've known that by talking to me I meant no harm to you and her. God, the world is so goddamn cruel. 

This isn't a begging party, I'm actually pretty sure you won't be getting this letter unless I'm dead and someone raids my computer. I just needed to clarify everything I felt and threw it on the computer. No one deserves to feel broken, or that their lives will fall apart without someone. I don't even know or remember who I was before we met and became friends. I was perpetually sad then too, feeling the weight of high school slowly coming off of me. I don't remember if I was independent or self-sufficient, happy or sad; I just know that I existed, and the memories were there. 

You literally did change my life, and people like that you'll never forget, no matter how hard you try. I need to remember the pain of loss, because someday, somehow, I will make it through, and I will tell the story of my survival and how it all came together again, and I will do it confidently and proudly. This is inspiring me to be better. To do what I didn't do with you, and be a better friend to the next person that tries to truly befriend me. I'm done with my rambling on, I need to eat and get my shit together. 

John Green wrote "Just know you can never love someone as much as you can miss them". I will leave it all at that.

05/15/2013