Chapter 2

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There were times I felt like the world was slowly disappearing in front of me. Or maybe it was just me who was fading away. Those moments it didn't matter anyway. Because of my empty burning lungs and my heart hitting my chest so hard I thought it will break my ribs and rip apart my skin were the only thing I could think about.

And the void, the black hole in my head, deep inside my soul, slowly swallowing all my hopes and dreams. That was the worst of those moments. The realization of the vacuum, the nothingness, the absurd of my existence. Those times kept me awake at 5 am and made me wonder, why am I living for anyway Maybe for me, maybe for others. Did it really matter? And when I couldn't find my answers on the ceiling, the anxiety turned into panic.

"Hun, get up to get ready for school!" My dad yells as I star to hear footsteps back and forth, as they start to get ready for work. I once again look at the alarm clock, closer and closer the time got to get up to go to school, I don't want to go.

The halls are dressed in black and white and the tiles are a checker board with humans as the pieces. The whole building sends a chill down my spine and reminds me of something out of my nightmares. I do not want to be here, I think and I wrap my arms around my chilled body; this is the last place I want to be. Unfortunately, it is my fault I'm here, my doing, there is no going back now. Hesitantly I walk up to the door with the small twenty-one nailed above it, checking the paper in my hand as I do. This is it, this is where my actions have to lead me, I slowly open the door, which lets out a tired old groan as the hinges protest.

Laughter sounds along the halls joined with excited conversations and shouts. Model worthy girls perch on the tables like exotic birds gossiping and giggling, a football fly's above their heads between two jocks in varsity jackets parading their toned muscles. Groups of high schoolers sit around the room laughing and causing all kinds of ruckus, all except one group that sit silently staring at laptop screens with massive headphones which appear to be permanently strapped to their heads. A breath of air brushes my ear; I follow the breeze and see a blue striped paper plane gracefully gliding through the air before sliding across the tiled hall to stop with its nose against the wall.

I enter the wild classroom walking slowly to my seat avoiding the mess. Not making eye contact I take out my notes, that I carefully wrote. Rereading them, a few people stand in front of my desk. Not knowing if I should look up, I remain reading my notes.

" Hi, you must be Valentina... I wasn't here yesterday, I wanted to say hi..." I look up to a girl with long pretty brown hair and eyes like the ocean, she as gorgeous, but a bit shy. 

" Hi, how are you?" I ask with a smile as her worried eyes turn happy.

" I'm great! Well, class will start soon, I better get back to my seat. I hope we can be friends!" She says with a happier tone, then she leaves. I hear them behind me cheering on the girl who spoke saying things like, 'Wow, you talked to her, Naomi do you remember how hard it was to talk to us?' and she responds with a 'yes'.

The teacher had a hawkish air about her. Even her nose was curved and beaky. She had eyes of palest blue that fixed you in ice should you dare disagree or talk out of turn. She was willow-wand thin, so stick-like that it was hard to imagine her eating much at all, at least not without wiping her narrow lips after every bite. Her hair wasn't so much blonde as a washed out brown like it just couldn't be bothered to be any color at all. Like many women of her age she had, it cut short to hide its lack of volume. There was no way in the world this woman had a happy home-life. If she had a husband he was hen-pecked. Every movement she made betrayed her internal frustrations that bounced inside her like sound in a deep cave. In the classroom, she was a chained monster, bound by rules and statutes. A century ago she would have been brutal with the cane I'm sure. 

" Tomorrow, there will be a field trip to the roller skating rink, it's free but the foods not. Do not bring unnecessary things like food. Okay, Let's start class." Miss. Lipn said. My heart start to beat rapidly and a smile came upon my face, I absolutely love rollerskating. As soon as I heard those words the day seemed to fly by. Before I know it, I was getting ready for dinner. 

The rich aroma of the dish wafted down and beckoned me. I could not resist the delightful sensations that whipped up inside my memory at the mere thought of delving my teeth deep and fast into the pulpy texture of the pizza. Cheese spread atop in copious amounts and the wide assortment of condiments sprinkled in the perfect amounts mingle to produce a taste unlike any other, salty, peppery,cheesy with a whiff of Italian cuisine and a tinge of Greek taste.

When I finish decorating it's almost like my mother is back in the room. These are almost her colors, the ones she painted when I was a girl. The walls are cream, but not like the stuff I pour in my coffee, there is a hue of beach sand there. The floor is a dark walnut, just like she had, but not the laminate that was installed to withstand the abuse that children and dogs dish out. It's real wood now, and I know she would have liked that. But unlike her, my accents are green, not blue. Mom grew up in a seaside town but moved inland, so she missed the ocean. My colors are the forest canopy and the gnarled bark of the trunks. Instead of her rolled blinds at the windows, I hang rich velvet curtains that remind me of moss. It's odd being here without her. I always felt like this was my home but now it is only my home, not hers. In time these walls will have new pictures, photographs of the family I will build, but there'll always be a spot for her on the wall or mantle.

My mother was always my mom, but she has changed ever since the last move like she dies, but with a living corpse. I don't think she knows I see her disappear but I pretend like I don't. I plop on the newly made bed, as I think about life till now. A salty fluid dripped over my small, cracked lips. My knees buckled as my chest collided with my knees. Once again I cry myself to sleep, knowing why my dreams turn happy. 

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