My Chance - The Vamps fanfiction

Chapter 30

We were all bundled together in the van and headed to the water park; I was feeling a little unsettled as it was the first time I would have to show my bodies off to the boys. Everyone has self esteem issues, even just something small that make them feel insecure and mine were my scars. No one would want anything to do with a girl who was covered in ugly scars, whether they were almost invisible, white against my skin or if they were fresh, only just healing from the previous attack on my own body. To me they showed weakness and they were the worst thing I could possess, they showed me that I wasn’t strong and the only way I could feel better about myself was to rip my skin apart. I was ashamed to let anyone see them, they were the reason I constantly wore bracelets up and down my arm, they were the reason I barely had much skin in show. I was careful with what I wore most of the time, never touching my legs with the blade so I could wear shorts in the summer. It was a little more difficult hiding the upper half of my body. I refrained from going anywhere near my wrists during the summer, although seeing as the colder months had left me no choice but to rip open the untouched skin on my wrists as there was nowhere left on my torso. By the time summer came around they had usually faded into thin line, only really noticeable if you looked for them. But bracelets were my saviour, covering them up as much as they possibly could. My stomach and hips were twisted and warped into something that wasn’t even recognisable to me. There wasn’t an inch of skin that wasn’t covered by a gruesome line caused by a simple razor blade. I always found it strange how something so small could do so much damage. Just like words can cause you to hate yourself so much so that you would do this to your own body, although they don’t cause you physical pain like a cut from a knife or a bullet from a gun, they can hurt you emotionally, and in some ways its worse than the physical bullying you can receive from other human beings. But that doesn’t excuse what they have done to you physically as well. Not only was I covered in scars from my own brutal hand but I had suffered from the attack of others as well. The places were Tyler’s smashed glass pierced my skin will always be the deepest wound. The ugliest scar. The worst memory. For that was the one which caused all the others. The one which started the chain reaction which was never ending, impossible for me to stop.

Brad squeezed my hand lightly; I looked up to see his face full of concern, Tristan watching over his shoulder. “Are you okay? You seem quiet.” He asked pulling me into his side. I merely nodded. Looking out the window and reviewing my swimwear choice, I had chosen a one piece bathing suit simply so it would cover up my stomach but I was more concerned about my wrists. I had lashed out on them without being able to gain enough self control to move to another body part. Being only a week or so old, they were still noticeable, bright red against my pale skin. There was only one way I was going to be able to get away with it and that would be to act completely in hope that they wouldn’t notice anything and just keep their eyes away from my wrist. It was going to be a challenge but it was my own fault they were there in the first place so I was going to have to deal with the consequences.

“Guys we’re here” Joe shouted pulling into the car park and bringing the van to a stop. Everyone else cheered excitedly while I plastered that award winning fake smile that I’d been practicing my entire life onto my face. Brad grabbed my hand again and pulled me out of the van, running towards the entrance so we could buy our tickets as soon as possible. He was acting like an excitable child, they all were and it was beginning to get on my nerves a little. It’s not easy for me to hang out with people who are happy when I’m in such a bad mood myself. We all left Joe to buy the tickets while we went to the changing rooms. The boys left Charlea, Sara and I as we walked into the girls changing rooms.

“Okay, so what’s up? We know that smile isn’t real, not because it doesn’t look it, but because of the way you were acting the whole way here.” Charlea asked pushing me down onto the bench so her and Sara towered over me.

“Usually you would be singing along with us, laughing and messing around but you just spent the last hour looking out the window like you were about to cry.” Sara carried on.

“I was just thinking about what it’s going to be like when we leave, I’ve tried so hard to comfort the boys but no one seems that bothered about me and Charlea. We’re the ones who have to leave everyone behind; everyone else is only going to be missing two people from their lives. I’m not saying I want attention or sympathy but it’s hard to be happy when you know you’re leaving the only people you ever loved thousands of miles away.” I spilled. I let them know everything; I told them what had been going on in my head over the last couple of days. I let out all the overwhelming thoughts which blocked up my mind each and every day.

“It’s perfectly fine to feel that way, sometimes I do to, I feel like I’ve spent the majority of my time since they found out comforting Con. I don’t know the others as well as you do, but I do know what it’s like to feel as though you are worse off than them, especially as they aren’t losing everyone the way that we are. But today we should just forget about it, have some fun and just enjoy the rest of our time here.” She wrapped me and Sara into a warm hug before pushing us away and beginning to get changed. I tried to be as quick as possible so the girls didn’t question me about the scars and luckily they didn’t see a thing. I knew exactly what my excuse would be if anyone were to ask me why I was wearing a hoodie over my swim stuff. Of course I wouldn’t be able to wear it whilst on the rides but it would at least cover me up whilst we were sunbathing, eating etc.

We made our way outside to find 3 smoking hot boys and my brother all waiting for us. They looked bored, as if they’d been waiting for us for ages but I knew for a fact that we hadn’t taken that long.

“Erm, Elle, you do realise you can’t wear a hoodie in the pool and when we’re on the rides?” Tristan whispered in my ear as we began to walk towards our chosen area of the park.

“No one, apart from you, knows the full extent of the damage Tyler did to me that night and I would like to keep it that way.”I said a little harsher than I had intended but Tris didn’t seem to take any notice of it. He nodded his head and put his hand around my shoulders in a friendly manner and pulled Brad into his other side. Of course, this wasn’t the excuse I was going to give everyone but what was the point in lying to Tristan if he already knew the damage Tyler had done to me even if he wasn’t directly the reason for my cuts.

“Looks like I got myself in a Brelle sandwich.” Tristan giggled to himself.

“Did you seriously just give us a ship name?” I laughed poking his stomach.

“Yep! But I feel like I’m cock blocking so I’m going to leave” He laughed running ahead of us towards the entrance to the first slide.

“Hey there, beautiful” Brad whispered in my ear, I felt my cheeks turn bright red and fill with heat. He leaned over and quickly placed a kiss on my cheek. He then grabbed my hand and ran after Tristan, pulling me along behind him. I pulled off my jumper and stood close to Brad so that my left arm was hidden behind his back. I kept that cheerful smile on my face and laughed along with the others as we took it in turns to go down the huge slide.

We spent the entire day, swimming, laughing and having fun but I couldn’t help but keep thinking about the days I had left with these people. I feared they would forget about me, of course Connor’s my brother, he’ll have to remember. But I’m nothing special, all I am to them is their band mates little sister. They’ll move on and I’ll be insignificant, just like I was before I came here.