My hearts become too cold to break .::ELY::.

The Side You Don't See

Eugene and I have been married for one week of our three weeks together. And I've completely ignored him, when we aren't recording.
I walk to the kitchen stopping just outside the door when I hear voices, Zach and Eugene are talking.
"What do I do to fix things?" Eugene asks.
"Eugene it's probably not even you. Beau, she's a different kind of girl," Zach sighs.
"What does that even mean?" Eugene asks.
Zach groans,"Beau, is depressed, and she has anxiety, she's just as riddled with insecurities as you are, she just can't turn it into positive things like you can Eugene, she does this, she has this episodes and sometimes it takes months for her to pull herself out of them, the best thing for you to do, is just be there, even if she pushes you away. She needs to know that someone isn't going to leave."
Eugene doesn't say anything so I take that as a good time to walk in.  I walk right passed them and start a pot of coffee.
"Hey Beau," Zach says I look over at him.
"Hey!" I smile before turning back to my cup to fill it with sugar and creamer, no one says anything else, it's silent except for the sounds coming from the coffee pot.
'You should probably say something,' I think  before turning to face the guys again.
"So what do you two have planned for today?" I ask
"Just work, we have to work on some new ideas for squad wars," Eugene says," you can come with us if you want,"
"Nah I think I'm just going to stay home and probably catch up on some sleep," I shrug.
"Beau you've done nothing but sleep," he says
"You're point?" I ask crossing my arms.
"My cue to leave, I'll see you at Keith's," Zach says before he leaves.
"Beau I know, you don't have to act tough anymore," Eugene says.
"Not acting tough, I'm just that numb," I say pouring coffee into my cup,"but don't worry, it won't effect your video,"
I walk into the living room setting my cup on the coffee table  and just staring at the blank screen of the tv wrapping myself  in the throw blanket on the back of the couch.
"Beau, you can't go through this alone," Eugene says sitting next to me.
"I'm not alone, there are plenty other people like me." I say picking up my cup.
"But they aren't here with you," he says I shrug,"Beau this is something serious, you can't just shrug it off,"
I look at him straight faced and shrug again," I'll be fine, and if not, what's the worst thing that could happen?"
"There are plenty of things, depression makes you do stupid things," Eugene says.
"If I die, it's not a tragedy, it'll be a public service," I say standing up,"and don't act like you would care now, I said it wouldn't effect your precious video, and it won't, I've been faking this happy shit for years."
I walk away before he can say anything else. I just lock myself in my room and lie on my bed face shoved in my pillow,  trying to remember what it feels like to be happy or anything but what I am now.  Coming up with nothing I feel tears rolling down the sides of my face. I guess this is what I'm going to do today.

I cried myself out and now I'm just staring at the ceiling not feeling anything.  Trying to decide which is worse, feeling everything or feeling nothing. Both are equally terrible. I roll over onto my side and see that Eugene is in my room. Sitting on the floor next to my bed. I didn't even hear him come in.
Eugene looks up from the floor at me,"Beau, I couldn't care less about the damn video, you're the one I'm worried about,"
I just stare at him.
"I didn't come in until I heard you screaming, if that makes this any better, I didn't think you should be alone," he says.
"If I were going to kill myself I would've done it a long time ago," I mumble rolling over. I feel my bed sink in as Eugene sits down, or lies down, he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me back into his chest and squeezes me.
"Beau I couldn't imagine a world without you in it," he whispers pulling the blankets over us,"you're the best friend I've ever had, my life has been better since I met you. And I couldn't stand to lose you. Beau you mean more to me than you know. It's selfish of me to beg you to stay, just for my own personal happiness, but please don't leave me, if I lost you, I'd lose my everything"
I just pull the blanket up to my chin ignoring everything he's said, feeling more tears starting to form.
I don't know how I can even still cry to be honest, this is the side of depression that everyone sees, but they never know about the other side. The side that creeps up on you when you least expect it, the part that catches you when you start to make progress, to be happy again, when  you start to feel normal again. That's the side that gets you, the side that's so overwhelming,  the side that kills you because it's ten times worse than you ever imagined it could be. You feel literally nothing, you don't sleep, you don't eat, you just stare at the wall blankly wishing for it all to end. It's the side that claims your life. It's my current state. I don't think I'm going to win the battle this time around, I really don't.