I am the Outcast

Entry #one

(Reading Information for a few viewers: Some people I know should actually pay attention to this! You know who you are!)

Hello I am Lily Wolf (that is not my real name) and this book is going to inform you about what I have to go through as soon as I walk through the doors of hell, *cough* sorry I meant school.

My school is a place of so called friendship. Ha! Like a school is for making friends! School is a place of nightmares. For all of you who a homeschooled, well, your'e lucky that you don't have to deal with getting picked on every single freaking day!     Sorry I am getting a little of hand, let me start with the beginning of my new year at a new school (I didn't move its just I finished elementary school and I moved on to Jr.High school, Oh goody....) This was my first year in seventh grade and I am not going to lie, I was terrified, and I talked to no one on the first day. My crush also was in seventh grade with me as well, and I swear something crawled up his butt and died. He completely ignored me! But for some reason my heart and brain made me like him and would not allow me to stop thinking of him. Even though he was somewhat mean to me and ignored me the whole time, it is not what bugged me so much. Something else was bothering me, well is bothering me.

Growing up my family was broken and not the greatest. My dad was half a dad slash mom, and he was the one who took care of me for all my many *great* years. Yes I lived with both my mom and dad, but my mom usually slept all day and went out parting at night. But when she did actually come out of her bedroom she would scream at my dad, and hit me, plus scare my younger brother and sister, then she would go back to bed and act like nothing was the matter. (Also my mom was addicted to drugs, yeah....)
But that is not what bothers me today, yes it does hurt me deep down, but that is not all of the problems I went through in my youth. Now let's get to the real reason why I am making this.

The reason why I am writing this is because of people I hang out with at school. (Note: I am terrible when it comes to making friends. I didn't actually have friends till I was in the sixth grade. Well I did have a friend back in kindergarten, but he was a sticker I found but I lost him in the playground. Yeah I am quite messed up aren't I? Yes, don't deny it. I am a wreck....)

Okay so my story starts a few days before Christmas break in my seventh grade (which I am in now) but it was in November or sometime weeks before Christmas. (Note: This book is going to be my life back and forth, so the timeline is not going to be in order at all. I just want to get this off my chest right now so here I go.)

It was a few weeks before Christmas Vacation that I actually started to feel left out and understand the truth. (Note: I am not going to say names but I am going to make nicknames up for some of the people that are hurting me. I don't want to cause problems between some people so I am just gonna make fake names for a few certain people.) 

So this girl, lets call you Denise, well Denise is a very popular and talented girl and I sometimes get jealous of her abilities. She is just so amazing, is very caring, can do many great things, and is well was my role model. She had so many friends and everybody knew her and loved her, but I am have a lot of envy for her, but I love her, she was my actual first friend and I don't want to lose her, but I seem to be slowly slipping away from her, and I made a great mistake today, and I deeply regret it ( 1-3-17). So if you are reading this, well, I am sorry, but I just wish you could understand my pain, and you tell me that you have saved people from killing themselves, but you haven't noticed that I am dying. Why won't you save me?

Well sorry about that moment but lets get back to the story, so today (1-3-17) well my jealousy took over me and I saw her hanging out with her friends and she seemed happy, but for some reason if angered me, so how I reacted was I kept glaring at her and ignoring her, but deep down I was screaming for her to just come to me and be my first friend again. I wanted her to hug me and tell me that she was here for me, but she didn't, and it only hurt me deep down a lot more than int had too. So Denise tried to talk to me but I kept ignoring her and I talked somewhat badly about her to one of my other friends. I know I shouldn't but I was so mad that she kept ignoring me, well hung out with her other popular friends. Also a weeks ago, I went to talk to Denise and my other friend wanted to show her something, so I grabbed Denise's arm, trying to get her attention, but one of her friends slapped me, and it hurt my feelings. Even though Denise told me that she didn't mean and that she was going through hard times, it just upset me more. I know you are reading this, and please just listen to me! Okay!? I want you to understand that I hurt too, and I need you with me to help me, and I don't want that incident to happen again. I love you, you are my friend, but you won't talk to me! And your stupid friend that slapped me, well I know she is hurting inside but that doesn't give her the FREAKING right to slap me! IT HURT! I cry inside knowing that you are sitting there bragging about how you save people! Well guess what you brat! I am dying and I am your best friend but you won't help me! Please! Just help me! I need you their but no you refuse not too! People always tell me how great you are and it just upsets me! YOU MAKE ME JEALOUS! Back in sixth grade we had to write about our role model and instead of doing a celebrity like everybody else, I wrote about YOU! But when I told you, you weren't impressed and then like usually you pushed me to the side! If you don't want to be my friend just tell me! I could always use another excuse to kill myself! I am sorry and I want you to actually talk to me and I want you to help me! But for some reason when I didn't win that writing competition you wrote, I LITERALLY CRIED! I was so upset and I put my heart and soul into that, I just wanted you to finally figure out that I have potential but no! You just broke all of my confidence that I had left! So now I hope you understand why I am so freakin upset with you! I. Am. Sorry. Their do you get it yet! Just talk to me please! Make me feel good about myself like you use to! I just want you as a friend again, but if you don't want to be friends just tell me, and I'll disappear, and I bet after a few weeks, you'll forget that I even existed, so tell me the truth. I am sorry, but you need to make a decision now. It's either your popularity or me. Choose carefully, and I suggest that you should get yourself in line because the real world is tough and dangerous my friend. So I am sorry. That's all I have to say now to you. Bye I guess.