Dear Brother

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Dear Brother


I've never told this to anyone before. 

It's not that I'm embarrassed. It's not that I don't want to. But I can't find it within myself to. Sometimes I open my mouth, on the verge of blurting it out, but then it starts. The ferocious pounding in my head, the fireworks, the explosions that clutter my mind. Real pain. 

But I need to tell. I need someone. I can't go on living like this. 

They talk to me every day. Every second. Their voices twining, weaving, binding together. An orchestra. Squabbling in the back of my mind. Toying with me. They're telling me to shut up. They're telling me that if I don't stop typing they'll... No. I won't say it. 

Sometimes I dread to think about what would've happened if I'd told the authorities. They'll cart me over to the psycho ward. They'll lock me up with them. So I can't. You're my only hope. Please, you've got to help me. 

They just keep getting louder and louder, clamoring for my attention. And then they starting fighting. They make such a ruckus. The first one was a lady. One with a beautiful, lyrical voice. Singing ballads until I acknowledged her presence. Then he joined her. A man. Always yelling. Always laughing in this screechy way. And then the child came. What I assume to be a sweet little boy. An angelic voice. Constantly sobbing and begging. 

They're all trying to tell me something. They're trying to say that they'll take me over, that I'll be naught. I'm just trying to save myself. I know it's selfish. But I can't help it... please forgive me...

I know you're puzzled over the change in Ma and Pa. The way he always yells now. The way she seems to drift off into her own world, giggling, singing to herself. 

I've never told this to anyone before.

A week ago, two of the voices disappeared. I was so relieved that it worked. I guess it was a relief, that the lives of Ma and Pa weren't for nothing. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But it was the only way. I had to. I know it was murder. Please. I know I deserve your hatred, but I'd just like for you to listen... To understand... 

The lady and the man had gone. They had moved into Ma and Pa.

But... he's still not gone. He's gotten louder, his sobbing more desperate. More dark, more devilish. Promising that he'd wipe me out in between his cries. I don't like it. It's terrifying. So if you find this, I'm telling you, brother: Run. Run if you can. I love you. I love you so much. 

I don't want to do this but I have to. I think I can live without you. I need to. But I can't live with them. Just forgive me. Please, please just try to find a way to. 

I've never told this to anyone before. Now you know why. 





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