Grey Lands

A dark hour

It was 3am on December the first.

I woke up with a start and got up from my bed. I could hear a faint noise inside the house. With my heart hammering against my chest I walked out of my room.

Quietly and stealthily I followed the source of the footsteps which lead me up the stairs. A bang from the door on top of the stairs wiped away the remains of my sleep-scaring the living day lights out of me.

I reached the top step and came face to face with the large wooden door. My hand hovered over the brass knob-hesitating, fearing, braving. With one last breath I twisted the knob to see my older brother, Mark standing on the roof of our building.

He turned around at the sound of the door creaking and unintentionally I took a step back in shock. He was not the man I knew. There were several blistering red scars around his wrist making their way up in a web like pattern around his arms. The perfect messy hair he was known for was now soaking in grease; unkempt and destroyed. His bright blue eyes were now masked by thick red lines connoting the number of sleepless nights. Heaving slowly then fast he looked completely animalistic.

"Mark...?" I couldn't believe my eyes. Tears started filling up the rims of my eyelids. How? What? Please let this be a dream. This couldn't be Mark. No it couldn't. This couldn't be the strong, bold person I knew. Or I thought I knew...I took a step forward towards him and simultaneously he took a step back closer to the edge of the terrace.

"Don't come forward Siriel! Just let me be."

"Mark can we please talk about this downstairs. Don't do this please." I could feel my heart thumping in fear. Please God. Please don't let anything happen to him. Please.

He laughed without a trace of humour. "Talk about this? You know perfectly well that we aren't going to make it. WE AREN'T GOING TO MAKE IT!" He spat on me-his face no longer recognisable. Instead of my brother there was a broken human in front of me; whose very soul had been sucked out leaving a lifeless body.

I placed my trembling hands slowly on my head and tried to focus. I can't panic, I needed to relax. I took a deep breath and looked at Mark again who was gazing out to the forest surrounding our summer house.

"Mark" I breathed slowly. "You know we are very close. There are more people out there. We will find them! You told me yourself, remember?" I smiled sadly with tears flowing down my face. "Just come downstairs please."

He turned around and looked at me with a lost gaze-his eyes transparent and empty. "We have no hope, Siriel."

He shuffled his feet forward. My heartbeat increased rapidly, my whole body shaking with fear of the possible future. "No please, I beg of you, please Mark please!"

He stood on top of the ledge looking beyond, his hands pulling on his clothes. "What's the point in fighting for something that won't happen?"

"No Mark no-"

"I'm all alone. What's the point of living in this shit hole? She is g-g-gone." His voice cracked at the thought of her. I pulled my hair as I bend forward and tried not to choke in fear. Taking a deep breath, I stood up straight and hastily wiped away my tears.

"Mark I'm here for you, your friends are here for you. We all care for you and love you. Please don't do this for us. F-for me at least."

"Love?" He laughed his humourless laugh again, throwing his head back inhumanly. "How can love exist if life doesn't exist?" He shuffled slightly forward each tiny steps made me closer to having a panic attack.

I bent forwards trying to hold my emotions in. One deep breath at a time Siriel, one deep breath at a time. My palms sweated with fear, and shook with foreboding. I looked up at the ledge again and I saw him lost beyond recognition with no sense of hope and direction.

"Mark I beg you! Please don't do this. I have no one but you. I love you so much, Mark. You're the only family I've got. I can't live without you-please listen to me. Please! Don't leave me alone. I can't lose you." I fell on to my knees and sobbed into my fists. The pain of what might happen had immobilised me and I could no longer stand it. I shook so much with tears so that I almost missed out what my brother was saying.

He had turned around to look at me-his face contorted with pain and longing. "I truly wish, with all my heart that I could stay. But I love her too much. I c-c-ant live without her. You've seen it too Siriel, but even you don't know the whole story." He took a deep breath and looked at me with regret. "She wasn't killed by a creature. She died by the hands of someone she knew, someone she loved. I KILLED HER! SHE DIED BECAUSE OF ME! I panicked when she was struck. If I hadn't fucked up and had the balls to do what she was asking me to. She would have been alive! I-I killed her!" He choked and sobbed-letting his heart out on his tears.

I let that sink in. He couldn't actually believe that, could he? How dare he think it's his fault! I felt anger rush through my veins, boiling my veins.

I thought back to the number of months he had locked himself up in his room after the incident, and the fact that he only wore long sleeve shirts from then onwards. It was to hide his scars wasn't it? 6 months back I had thought he had been able to move on from her loss. I realised now he had just started hiding the pain from me then.

How could I let this happen to my brother? How could I let him believe he killed her? I should have pushed harder at finding out the main cause of his trauma. I shouldn't have just believed that her loss was the only thing he was suffering from.

It took all my willpower to not collapse with the chaos of emotions that were bottling up inside me. I had to let him know that her death was inevitable.

"Mark no ones blames you. Not even the bit, especially her. No one in your place could have caused that much pain to her. You know that even if she had survived after that, she would wished to be dead."

He pulled at his hair and shook his head; trying to block out my words, further entering the hell he had created for himself in his mind.

I turned away unable to contain myself anymore as I sobbed with grief.

With sudden panic I realised I could no longer hear my brother sobbing. I spun my head back to see him facing the horizon, his toes over the edge of the roof.

"No no no no no Mark! Please no, don't do this! Please I beg you-MARK DON'T DO THIS!"

I screamed with panic-I had lost all sense of direction. I prayed frantically in my mind; if there was a god, any god, please don't let this take place.

"What..what can I gain from a world which has no future?" His voice drawled with bitter resentment and hurt.

I frantically wiped my tears. "You have me, Raan, and the rest of the fighters. We all love you dearly! Please if not for me, don't leave them. You have always been our backbone-our strongest support."

"I don't deserve them. Not one bit" he pulled his shirt "I'm a murderer."

I yanked at my hair. Why couldn't he understand that it wasn't his fault. Not even a bit.

"PLEASE MARK! STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!"

He ignored me and babbled over my  protests. "I don't deserve to walk on this earth-the very earth which I killed her. An earth which no longer has a reason to live on. We have lost all hope."

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE MARK PLEASE DON'T DO THIS"

He turned around slowly to look at me-his eyes dry with a cold, empty expression on his face. "We are all going to die."

"MARK!" I screamed as I witnessed my brother fall 20 stories. I woke up to gravity pulling me down as I fell from my bunk, however the pain was nothing compared to the sharp recollection of my brother's broken body.