My Love is Forbidden (One Shot)

It was summer vacation when I saw him walking inside our room. He was the first one I saw when I woke up, he was seated comfortably on the edge of the bed I was lying in. I was twelve and he was, I'm not sure, but he was way older than me. Actually I didn't know how I felt about him, was it the way he brushed through his hair? was it the way he tease me? was it the way he brushed my hair that morning when i woke up? or was it his voice that woken my young heart from sleeping? sure, it was the weirdest feeling I've encountered that time and still occuring at this time. But those times were different, and today as well.

Back then, I was very happy whenever he give me his full attention, even if it includes making me cry. Yes, he actually made me cry. One afternoon, I was with them, and my mom left, i didn't know, i was a child, i thought i was left permanently, although i kept telling myself that my mom won't do it, i doubted, maybe that time i was thinking, i was not worth keeping anymore, and i was at the window, i didn't notice i was already shedding a tear, and he was there coming with the others, they first tried to console me, but when i denied what i was obviously doing, he started to mock me. I ran through the corridors in their house and went downstairs, to the restroom. And there I cried for a long time, they can't get me out, they forced me but i just couldn't, then my mom came, oh! she's my savior, i obviously went out, and we went home. I felt like a loser, seeing those smiling faces of those adults who saw my little rants, but when i saw his mocking smile, i felt weird, like i didn't know how to feel, just to make myself feel better, i stick my tongue out at him, you know, children always do that not excluding me. And they all laughed.

Of course, for me, feeling that weird when I was young was not a totally big deal for the adults, but for me, it meant everything. I don't know, but when I told my mom about how I liked him, she couldn't believe what I just said, "Someday, I want to marry him mom!", and she laughed, of course, she wouldn't take what i said seriously, especially when you are a 12-year old girl and everybody thinks you're still a kid and going through many changes that includes attraction to the opposite sex not excluding my cousin. Yes, you heard it right, he's my cousin. My mom said at that time, that maybe, I liked him in a different way, like, maybe i like him, because he loves kidding with me, he loves playing with me, he loves joking around everytime, in short, brotherly love. She was convincing me that maybe it was not really that kind of like that i want to marry him. But i guess today, as I perceive it, it's not like that, he's more than a brother to me, he's my type of lover, but how can i tell him, that i love him, without getting eveyone in the family freaked out, especially him.

I didn't know loving someone would be this weird. You know, she has a girlfriend now, and she gets into my nerves. She's a loser! She's a bitch! all bad words that could describe her fits her! Although i know it's wrong, i want to make her feel that, but making her feel my anger pulls me farther from him, and it hurts, just looking at them, together, having fun, laughing, she seems like a nice girl to him, even if everyone thinks she's not. He treats her like a queen. Sometimes, I thought of switching places with her, what would it be like to be in his arms every night? what would it be like to feel the warmth of his chest in every hugs she get? what would it be like to kiss his lips? And then all this visions in my mind broke into tiny little pieces. They were too much impossible. Way too impossible to even think about it. I know this is a deviance against nature, and I'm the loser, because it'll only be me, just me, falling in love with him. It's just me and my feelings against the world. He's older than me, he probably doesn't like me the way i like him, and his my cousin. Forever this will never get me into something, because everyone including me, thinks that, My Love is Forbidden.