The Note

Repression

"I can't tell you what's wrong, just leave!" I shout across the room at Hannah who just stares at me with those baby blue eyes.

"Grace, please. You've been acting weird, even weird for you, Smells. I just want to know what I did so I can apologize and have my best friend back" Hannah pleads at me.

I can feel the word vomit coming up and there's nothing I can do to stop it. "I love you, okay?! I'm a cliche, a 'straight girl' who fell in love with her gay best friend!"

As soon as the words are out I pull a typical Helbig and bolt out the door, leaving a confused Hannah in my kitchen.

When I get back hours later Hannah is gone, which I'm grateful for, but the ache in my heart is back, the one I only get when I'm not in the presence of Hannah.

I feel horrible for how I treated her tonight, and honestly for how I've been treating her since the Project For Awesomeness live stream. She's my best friend and I love her so much, more than a best friend should, but I don't know how to express that feeling to her.

I've always had a special place in my heart for Hannah, and when we were filming Dirty 30, that special place became very clear of what it was. I had never seen Hannah with anyone romantically, she never dated in the 4 years of our friendship or even shown interest in doing so. She always claimed it was because she wanted to focus on her career but Tyler and Mames always joked that it was because Hartbig would be cannon someday.

When I saw Hannah kiss Kelen on screen, something broke inside of me and I was nauseous. I tried blaming it on exhaustion or stress but Mamrie knew better, giving me her classic "Mames eye". I just brushed off the feeling in the pit of my stomach and repressed it until that stupid live stream. When Mamrie told the fans that 600K would equal another Hartbig kiss, I acted calm but inside everything fell into place. It took me a month of ignoring poor Hannah to finally stop chickening out about my feelings but when she stormed over here today, demanding answers on why I was being a jerk, I knew one million percent that I had fallen in love with my best friend.

After I got home and distracted myself from my feelings by playing with Goose and making more T shirts, I let the tears flow down. If I would have been brave enough to tell her how I feel like an actual adult, I might have had a chance but now I've ruined the possibility and probably my friendship with Hannah.

I walk to the kitchen to grab some vodka and I hear something outside, normally I would hide in my bed or call Hannah but tonight I feel as if I have nothing to loose. When I walk outside, I don't see anything so I start to go back in and that's when I see the note with Hannah's perfect handwriting that reads "I love you too, dummy."

When I look up, I see Hannah standing on the porch with a smile etched across her face. I give her a goofy smile back and run into her arms, breaking down and apologizing for being a douche. She tilts my head up, wipes my tears and tells me "It's always been you, Smells, always" and kisses me for the first real time. In that moment, I realized that maybe cliches aren't so bad after all.