Help. [ Ziam ]

Inadequacy.

3. Inadequacy

"Now, Liam, before you roll your eyes at my suggestion, let me first explain it. Alright?" She looks at him expectantly and he stares blindly back. "Excellent," she hums, "you were with Zayn for an impressive amount of time, even before the difficulties within your relationship began to occur, am i right?"

Liam stares again, but raises an eyebrow in disbelief, his mind repeating her incompetent description. Difficult. He almost scoffs, but opts to remain true to his vow of silence. All bloody relationships are difficult. His relationship with Zayn never "became" freakin difficult, it became bloody dangerous. And to word it in a way one would describe raising an ill tempered child is not, Liam believes, with all due respect, how a therapist should be treating it.

"So surely you knew a lot about him - things you, quite obviously, grew to love.. Even worship." Liam really must refrain from rolling his eyes at this point, "so, perhaps, the more you learned about Zayn; ie all the amazing things you grew to love, the more you began to feel inadequate in comparison, and therefore felt a growing need to prove these suspicions wrong." She smiles tentatively and tilts her head in question, "do you understand where I'm coming from?" She asks softly, as though talking to an ill tempered kid who could erupt in angry bursts at any second and make her efforts in helping him all that more difficult.
Liam thoroughly believes that she is the one making this difficult right now.

However, as much as he painstakingly hates to admit it, he does understand where she is coming from; though it is not a conclusion he came to over time. Liam had always believed himself to be insubstantial in the large and overpowering shadows that lay behind Zayn, had never really even encountered a time where he thought of the two as equals; Zayn always had that something more about him; that bit more; that something special.

So, yes, she is, in many ways, right to assume that Liam felt inadequate in his relationship with Zayn, but she is not understanding it the way he had hoped she would. These weren't suspicious; to Liam these were well known facts, and so he felt no need, ever, to attempt to prove something he so thoroughly agreed with wrong.

Liam would describe Zayn as an impeccable, large shining diamond, that he in no way saw that he deserved, and therefore in no way ever wanted to let go of; for what were the chances that he would ever find another diamond quite like the one he already had.

But, no matter how greatly Liam wished to say this, he couldn't find the words to explain it right.  He had no dying need to be told that he was in a lit and glittering quarry and yet to blind to see passed the chipped and cracked diamond that threaten cuts upon his skin with each brush of rough edge. Because he didn't believe that. The plenty more fish in the sea theory just was not for him. So maybe his diamond was cracked, but only from fighting against the hammer attempting insistently to break it. His diamond was cracked but beautiful. His Zayn was weighed down by life, but still one of the strongest people Liam knew, because he kept going.

And so he worshipped his strength alongside the ground he walked on. Stood in wonder at the way someone could withstand so many blows and still get up at the end, push forward more after each setback. And so, yeah, Liam was, quite often, led to just accept Zayn's anger towards him as a result of the own pressure weighing at his shoulders, without protest or fuss, because he believed that it was acceptable. The poor boy was being beaten down, time and time again, by life, and work, and people, and everything else in general, so, really, who was to say he shouldn't too be given the opportunity to relieve his own beatings, when the person receiving was so willing and lawful to accept?

*

"Hey," a whisper, fingers tracing cheeks. "What's happened?" There's a sob in there somewhere, hidden by a hand that won't budge. "Hey, shh, hey, I'm here. C'mon. Shhh. What's happened?"

Teary eyes blink up to concerned, a tanned man sobs, "I can't do it anymore."

Liam huffs a breath of air and pulls the male into his embrace, face buried in neck, arms around torso. "C'mon now Zee, don't be silly," he holds him close, "you're the strongest man I've ever known."

Zayn laughs brokenly and shakes his head against his shoulder of comfort, "I'm really not."

"Of course you are," Liam holds him out again, arms length, "you're the bravest, and strongest and kindest man I've ever known, Zayn, so forget about what ever this is about, you're better than it."

"You have to say that."

"I don't have to say anything," Liam denies, smiling sadly.

Zayn's eyes flash up, tracing his face. "Of course you do."

"Says who?" Liam laughs, rubbing at his lovers arms until they're pulled from his grip.

"Me," Zayn forces, stepping forward, destroying the atmosphere, becoming a victim to the actions of his emotions quicker than he remembers ever having done before. "I do Liam. Me. I say you have to."

"Okay," Liam says, voice cautious, "Okay, Zayn. But that doesn't certify I don't mean them."

"Can't you just let me have it!" Zayn begs, exasperated, "one statement without you disapproving it?! That's all I ask Liam. Let me be fucking sad without you telling me I'm doing something wrong! Jesus Christ! It's tiering; you're tiering. I can't deal with it sometimes Liam. The put downs, just stop it. Let me be sad. Let me. Let me. Stop telling me what to do for once, let me be me!" He yells, all the while tears streaking his face.

"Zee," Liam says, voice quiet, reaching out, "I was only trying to comfort you, I'm sor-"

"Well stop it!" Interrupts the next words. "Stop getting involved Liam, it's none of your business."

"I didn't mean to, Zee, I just-"

"Oh for fuck sake!" An angry lover calls, advancing forward, hand clamping over a mouth where it does not currently belong, "stop making me out to be the bad guy!" The hand squeezes, "just shut up, for once, please! Just shut up. That's all I need. Silence. Liam, do you understand that? That I need fucking silence?" A head nods beneath the painful grip of nails, "good." A sigh, "good, I'm sorry. I just - I need silence Liam. I'm sorry." Another nod. The hand is removed. The fear does not leave another's eyes. "Can you just... Go out for a bit? Go shopping? Go to the park? Anything, Liam, please. I just need time alone, I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry." Another nod and the shuffle of feet to find shoes. "I'll, uh, text you, when you can come back."

A nod. A door is shut. A boy slides to the floor, cradles his face and winces.

"Silence" he remembers, when it seems that that is all he finds on this side of the door. "Silence" eyes blinking back tears, he swears, he's almost sorry too.

Zayn tells him again later that he's sorry, and Liam almost doesn't believe him, until Zayn tells him he's the most important thing he's ever had, tells him that without him he'd be nothing, says that he needs him, calls him his little miracle. His diamond in the rough.

*

So yeah, Zayn was Liam's diamond, with his ability to awe and surprise Liam in ways not even he could explain, but the thing about that is that, quite often, Liam was Zayn's too, with his ability to give him freedom; a form of release, and together, Liam believed, they were priceless.