The Elements Book One: Fire

Chapter Six

UGGHHHHH.

One week into the new year. And I cant stop crying. I feel so awful, but I don't want to drag Ryan down.. I can't seem to get ahold of myself. My geography teacher is just being mean now... it's as if being tardy is an unforgivable sin, especially because, Oh Joy! You should've gone to the bathroom during break period. I'm so fucking sorry, I was spending that period DISTRACTING MY DAMN SELF so I don't get fucking suicidal or something. The five minute class switch between break and his class is just too precious for him, obviously, to believe that I would take a giant hunk out of my mental health freedom. Fuck you too. There's a reason I'm flunking your class.

It hurts my heart to look anywhere anymore. I wish I would stop hearing ghosts of my past in my dreams. It's as if every last nightmare hurts me more and more and more and more. I cant hold on much longer, I can't make it like this. Can anyone hear my pleas? Can somebody save me? I'm drowning, I'm dieing, suffocating in the feelings...

That's precisely my problem. I either am drowning in my head or am parched for feeling. I hate this. I wish I could just be... normal. For once.

Maybe if I plug my music in I can drown out the floods. Let's see... I think I'm gonna start with some MCR, and mix in some Eminem. Volume? All the way up... higher... there. Now even if the world was falling apart I wouldn't hear it.

There's a dull pain in my eardrums, but it's fine. Just happens when your eardrums absorb all the bass I crank up. I focus on the strings of the violin in "Angel with a Shotgun." I love The Cab just as much as MCR. Wait, I need some Melanie Martinez in here. Perfect. I like to think of music as a shower, and the music is different scents and bubbles.

My synesthesia makes me interpret music, emotions, and pain in colors and sometimes smells. Right now I want some black and purple, and a smoke scent. Hit some dark teal swirling in like vape smoke, and make sure to add a deep red glow....some dieing clover flowers, and spiced coffee. Perfect.

Mixing music has become my art form of choice when I have no instruments or brushes. I can make anything I want, given the right scents and colors. I sometimes imagine all the colors in a cloud inside my head.

Cheap thrills!! Teal electric ripples. This is awesome... I'll have to add this to the arsenal.

I wonder if anyone can look into my eyes and see the cavity filled with swirls. It always has a dark background, but it glows so you can even see black color smoke. The type of music I'm hearing now to is teal and purple, with an ultraviolet glow.

Swirl, colors... swirl forever.... take me off this earth...

....drown me in my art.