New Found Hope

Prologue

A road trip. That's what we needed. 

I stared at my boyfriend as he read the paper, like he did every morning. He had his cute glasses on with his crinkled forehead. I fell in love with the way he read the paper and the way he would push his glasses up on his nose. You have to fall in love with the little things, was what my mother always told me. Beauty fades, personality doesn't.

"Matt, seriously, the way you stare at me is creepy," Kai said. He was not a touchy feely person. A bit rough around the edges, a diamond in the rough, you get the point. I loved his crudeness. I loved how brutally honest he was. 

I shrugged at him and continued to play Trivia Crack on my phone. I knew no one played it, but I still loved it. I kept sneaking glances up at Kai. He had a tanned face and blonde hair that was pulled back into a tiny bun. He really was so beautiful. He was ridiculously moody. And right then, we were going through a rough patch. We had been together for about four years now and he still had cold feet about us. It bothered me, because I wanted to marry him and he was still unsure if he wanted to marry me.

I won the sports character in Trivia Crack. "Kai," I sang sweetly. "I was thinking, for our vacation this year, how about we take a road trip down the coast? Go down to maybe Rhode Island? Or Connecticut?" Kai didn't even look up at me.

"You hate road trips," he said in monotone. He flipped the page in his paper. My annoyance rose, but only slightly. With Kai, patience was key. He would have dramatic ups and downs, but it wasn't that he was Bipolar, he just was a very moody person. Ever since high school. When we got together my sophomore year of college, I knew it was only going to get worse. I was going to become the closest one to him, making me the one who has to deal with his mood swings. Think of it this way, he never recovered from his angsty fifteen year old self.

"I'm aware," I said back, calm as can be. "But you don't. You love them. This time, lets do something you love, instead of getting on an airplane and flying to wherever. I'll plan the whole thing," I felt as though I was pleading with him. Granted, I always felt like I was pleading with him. He was just one of those people. You gave him a hundred apples, he gave you one. 

Kai nodded. That was it. It was enough for me. I closed out of Trivia Crack and began planning our road trip. I looked at him a final time as he left the table. God damn, he was so beautiful. 

--

Kai was late. We were supposed to leave fifteen minutes ago and he has yet to come downstairs. Not only was he moody, he wasn't ever on time. If it wasn't for me, he would be late for literally everything. I tapped my foot against against the wood floor. I finally heard the wheels of his suitcase and then I saw him at the top of the stairs. I stared, as usual. He was handsome. He had a grey t shirt on with black jeans and his hair ruffled around, still damp from the shower. Sometimes, I still wonder why he loved me. 

We packed up the car and he got in the driver seat. It was beautiful out. We lived in Maine, so it was a lot of green and a lot of wilderness. I didn't mind. I grew up in Ohio, flat lands and all that. Maine was a nice change in scenery. Kai moved out here and took me with him. I guess I never really thought about what I wanted. After graduating college, I knew I wanted him and so there I went, in his passenger seat, all the way from Ohio to Maine, hand in hand. I remembered feeling so rebellious, when really I was an adult, making an adult decision. My mom always told me I made the wrong choice, but to me, it never felt like I did. As long as I had Kai, nothing else mattered, not where I was or what I was doing.

It was only an hour until we started fighting. I told him we needed to stop every few hours to see the landscape and so I could get out of the car, because he was right, I hated road trips. Kai had said we should only stop for the big landmarks along the way. I just couldn't be in the car for that long and it was suddenly hard to breathe in the tiny little car.

"I swear to any and all Gods that exist, I will turn this car around!" Kai screamed over top of any words I was saying. He did that a lot. Kai didn't particularly care to ever hear what I had to say when we were fighting. He often opted to just yell over me. 

My hands formed into fists. Patience is key, I told myself, but I was so angry. I didn't want to patient anymore. I wanted to scream just as loud or louder than he was. "Do it!" I yelled. My blood was boiling. I watched his knuckles turn white and his eyes narrow. He used to scare me like that, but suddenly, that was what he looked like more times than not; angry. He dropped silent. I watched him and tried to catch his gaze. I didn't.

He exited the highway, turned around in a parking lot and began heading home. I stared at him in shock, my mouth agape. I told him to turn around, dared him to even, but I didn't think he would actually do it. He still wouldn't look at me. He just kept driving, all the way back to our tiny rented house in Maine.

--

When we pulled into our driveway, he got out of the car quickly and quietly, got his suitcase out of the truck, leaving mine and headed inside. I sat in the car and looked at our house, reliving some memories. I remember how nice it was when we first moved here, how deceiving. I had to learn a lot. I had to learn, most importantly, to never let him depict my mood. I learned to never strive off his own energy, but to find my own. When I think of that lesson, I think about how we are together technically, but apart in most ways. 

Even though he may seem like the worst man in the world for me, I loved him with all of my heart, from my toes to the top of my head, with my entire being. I loved him so much to the point of engulfment. I followed him to Maine, leaving everyone behind because I loved him so much. He was the man I wanted to marry. Four years is a long time, but for some reason I felt like now, I was wasting my time.

I headed inside after him. That's what I did. We constantly played cat and mouse. He stomped away somewhere and I followed him. When I stepped inside, I felt unwelcome. Unwelcome in my own home, what a disaster. 

Kai sat there reading the paper. How civil.

He still looked so beautiful. He really could be painted and be the most beautiful painting anyone had ever seen.

"Does this mean I'm going alone?" I asked. My voice was shaking. I didn't want to go alone. Kai was silent, still not looking at me. "What do you want from me? I know what I want, Kai. I want you, I want us. I want to marry you." Pleading. Once again.

"I want us too," Kai finally said, but he still looked troubled. "But maybe. Maybe just not right now," Kai finally put down the stupid fucking newspaper and met my eyes. "We are the most troubled couple I know. I want to be happy, Matt, and neither of us are right now. Go on this vacation, I will stay here. We will have the time to figure everything out. When you get back, things will be better," Kai said, surprisingly calm. How calm he was only told me that he had thought about this for awhile. 

"Oh," I said. I didn't know what else to do. I looked at the man I claimed to be the love of my life once more before I turned and left. If I said anything else, it would have been laced with anger and I didn't want to fight anymore, but in my heart I knew.

A break is still goodbye.