It was nights like these that Hoseok chose to cry himself to sleep. His hand over his mouth trying to muffle his whimpers, body curled into a ball. He took off his mask of happiness and broke down piece by piece.
'They don't need you', 'They hate you', and 'You're useless' are only a few of the many thoughts running through Hoseok's head. He couldn't do anything about them, only watch on the sidelines as their hatred sank into his body. The group didn't want him. The fans didn't want him. He was nothing.
His feet, hands, torso, his everywhere hurt. Hours spent practicing only to pushed back down again. He wasn't able sing like Jin and Taehyung, dance like Jimin and Jungkook, or rap like Namjoon and Yoongi. Hoseok was just there. He couldn't hate them though, they worked harder than he ever could.
Hoseok had tried to please the others. Helped them up when they fell down and all around tried to take care of them. A permanent smile was plastered on his face to make the group feel better, and to make the fans believe he was okay.
Maybe that's why they never noticed just how shattered he was. How his members didn't notice how when they got home from practices or shows, he'd immediately lock himself in his room. Didn't notice how he hadn't eaten in three days to make himself thinner. Or didn't even recognize the dark circles under his eyes caused by only taking short naps to feed his need of sleep.
In BTS, every member had someone to lean on. When Jimin was dieting too much, Taehyung was there to help him get healthy again. When Namjoon was questioning if he really was a good leader, Yoongi reassured him that no one else could hold their group together like he did. When jungkook was struggling to balance his grades and his life in the public eye, Seokjin helped him study and made sure he didn't overwork himself. They all had someone to rely on, and they sometimes relied on Hoseok as well, but as soon as he needed a shoulder to cry on, they all seemed to disappear.
He knew they didn't mean to ignore his feelings. It would have been difficult for them to notice when he was thinking he would he better off dead. Hoseok was just that good at hiding it. Plus, things were better off that way... right? Bangtan didn't need another burden on their shoulders.
Yet, He also wanted someone to hold him. Someone to tell him that they wanted him, that he wasn't completely useless. Someone to wipe away his tears and makes sure he's eating and sleeping right. Anyone to help make his wound heal. Was that too much to ask for? Apparently it was.
Everyone in BTS read the fans comments. It made them smile, their hard work earning them the praise they deserved. 'Jimin has such a beautiful voice', 'Namjoon is so good at english' and even more words stitched together. Hoseok's heart always sunk when he read the comments directed towards him. 'J-hope is literally a fucking horse, he is so ugly. Lol', 'Hoseok can't dance at all compared to my jungkookie' ,'Why is he even BTS? He can only bring the group down' are some he scrolled past on a picture he posted on their Twitter account. He already knew he was ugly and couldn't dance, so why did they have to keep rubbing it in?
Every time they put on a concert, it was like a dream. The crowd, the smiles, the chants. It was one of the few times Hoseok could feel genuinely happy. But as soon as the encore was over and they had finished their bows at curtain call, the reality would sink back in. Back to the hate comments and the feeling of being the weakest in the group, the one always left behind. His eyes would gloss over every time, wandering over the sea of blank faces that didn't want him.
"Im pathetic" Hoseok whispered to himself under his breath. A small laugh escaped his lips as he realized just how useless he was. He sat up, wiping his tears that were flowing down his puffy red cheeks. 'They won't miss you' he thought, reaching for the object on his desk. 'They all hate you' he gave one last sniffle before closing his eyes tight. He gulped just as his door opened.
"Hyung?"
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Note- This is my first time writing fanfiction, so I'm sorry if it's bad. Hopefully my writing improves as I continue this series of oneshots. Until then, you'll have to deal with this
