Love & Lost

Loved & Lost

         It's 2:27 am and I haven't slept in I don't know how long, because your voice has been on replay in my mind, the last thing you said to me. I knew something was wrong from the minute you stepped into my living room. Your posture was slouchy and your hands were shoved so far down your pockets I thought you were trying to touch your shins. The look on your face said everything yet nothing at the same time. For as long as we had known each other I had never seen you look so conflicted and upset. Not even when your mom kicked you out for a week and you had to stay with you dead beat of a father. You're the type of person to never tell or show anyone how you feel but you always told me. We never hid anything from each other. Never. That wasn't us. "Secrets" wasn't in our vocabularies. Until that horrid day when all of a sudden we were no longer.. we. You gave me no explanation for the things you said. You hardly gave me four sentences. It was "This isn't working, I don't think I ever loved you.. please don't try and contact me again... goodbye." And out the door you went for the last time. No one has seen you since that night. Your mom is worried sick about you.. I have a feeling I know exactly where you are but I can't tell anyone because I haven't been able to walk more than to get myself downstairs and back up. My legs fail almost every time; though they never fail to start to shake and make me feel the same way I felt when you those words came out of your mouth. They may never find you.. and if they don't and something happens to you I will never be able to forgive myself. Because for some stupid reason I am still in love with you..

     Its been months since you disappeared, the police have given up hope on finding you. You haven't slipped once, haven't tried to make contact with anyone, haven't used your credit cards or anything. I have no idea why you're gone. I hope it has nothing to do with me. Your mom blames me though, she says that if I had just stayed the hell away from you everything and everyone would be okay. Honestly, she's right. I should've never come anywhere near you and then you could still be with your mom and your friends. Oh god, your friends blame me too so much so that they spread shit about me around school. Thanks for telling them everything I asked you to never tell to another soul..

     Its been a year now, Your mom was in bad shape when 6 months hit. She was taken to the hospital. She's okay now I guess. I'm not exactly sure because she took out a restraining order against me. I didn't even do anything, I tried to be there for her and comfort her but I guess she still thinks this is my fault. I guess she doesn't realize that I lost you too, that she's not the only one who loved you more than anything else. I don't know if you're still alive or not but I hope to god that you are. For some reason I still can't shake you out of my head. It's like you're carved into the very front of my brain. If I'm being completely honest, I am getting really tired of always thinking about you when I can bet on my life that you haven't thought about me once since you walked out of my house. I was never on your mind like you were on mine..

     2 years.. Two entire years have passed and still no sign of you. Everything is so different.. I haven't been back to that dreadful town for a year and a half. Right before I left, I stopped by your moms place, she was doing better, she had a boyfriend who seemed to really like her. I was surprised that she let me in.. apparently she canceled the restraining order since I hadn't bothered her in months. Telling the women who had been like a second mother to me since I was 7, that I was leaving.. was a lot harder than I anticipated it being. I cried obviously, she teared up a little and gave me her new phone number so we could stay in touch.. We haven't talked in 8 months. Neither one of us have bothered to make an effort to reach out to one another.. I guess we are both just busy with our lives. Seattle is amazing. You know I always wanted to live where it rained more than the sun shined.. I've met some amazing people here that like me for me.. They know about what happened and they don't hate me! They didn't run for the hills after I told them. There is one special person.. His name is Keegan. I think I might really like him but it doesn't feel right because I think I may still love you. Who am I kidding.. of course I still love you. I may always love you in some way. But.. he makes me feel safe again. He makes me smile, actually smile.. it's been so long since I have actually smiled a genuine smile.. Things are starting to look up for me Jay ..They really are..

     Oh my.. I haven't seen this in forever.. Oh it has to be at least 10 years? That means its been 12 since you left.. Wow.. That's a long time. I haven't heard anything about you from anyone.. I know you're not dead Jay, you can't be. You wouldn't have done anything to yourself.. That just wasn't you. Your mom texted me a while ago and said that her and her new boyfriend Steve, were very happy and that she misses and thinks about you everyday. I never forgot about you. I promised I never would and I never did, I'm married to Keegan and we have three kids.. Twins (Boy and girl) and a baby boy. I'm really happy.. I have a beautiful family that I love with all of my heart. I miss what I had with you so much.. but I found someone that gives me new memories that I love so much also. Jay.. You were my first love. You were my first everything. I will never be able forget you. I know that you are out there and that you are okay. You're better than okay you are doing amazing and you have an amazing family just like you always wanted. I know in my heart that you are okay.. But this is where we have to part.. I have to give up. So.. Jay Ryan Green I.. officially give up on you.

~~~~ This is my first story so please be nice. I wanted to share this to maybe give someone hope that things will get better. That no matter how horrible the present may seem, the future is much brighter and has amazing things in store. Please be kind to everyone, you don't know what they're going through. ~~~~