Adolescence

When I was a young girl all I wanted was to be a teenager. I would watch shows like Lizzie McGuire and That's So Raven and Zoey 101 and think "wow, one day, that will be me." I wanted to be just like the girls on T.V. and the older kids I saw walking around my neighborhood. They looked so cool with their tight fitted jeans and shows and movies that my mom wouldn't let me watch. They even had cool music that I tried to listen to, but never quite got the meaning of.

I always dreamed of the day when I would get to be a teenager. I would be just like them. I would get to have tons of friends and we would go to the mall and laugh at nothing. I would get to kiss boys and maybe even date one. It would be a fairytale like all those Disney movies I loved. I couldn't wait. I would get to go to high school and have my own locker. I'd get a shiny new car and a driver's license. I'd cruise down the street, blasting my favorite songs with all my friends and nothing would matter. There would be so much independence. No one to answer to and no more being a stupid little kid. Just being a teenager; young and free.

But being a teenager wasn't like that at all. It was filled with an aura of sadness. Making friends was difficult. And that fairytale love story? It never happened. High school was stressful. It was a dark, dusty, daunting place full of judgement. Every time I opened my locker, it seemed to sigh as it creaked open. It was so old I'm not sure how it lasted all four years. There was a lot of laughter, but it came from snickers of bullies and people at every corner who had way more friends than I did. My shiny new car never came, nor did my driver's licence. Nope, I was too sick to get one. The doctors told me I would be able to drive "someday" but I don't have much hope for that. The independence arrived slowly, like a sloth climbing up a tree trunk, but the more quickly it came, the less and less I wanted it. Being independent and having responsibilities was rough. I began to learn what a lonely world adulthood was going to be. I didn't want it anymore. I wanted to go back.

I didn't want to be a teenager. I wanted to be a little kid with no responsibilities. I began to realize there was way more freedom in my childhood than in my adolescence. I didn't have to worry about failing a test, or impressing people, or what my future was going to be. I didn't realize that most of the world was in shambles and that so many people were hurting, even people who were close to me. I didn't understand that taking care of yourself was difficult and that so many people were struggling to simply live. But at that point, it was too late. There was no going back. I wasted too much time wanting to be older that I forgot how to be young.

"I don't understand," my mom would say. "You always wanted to be older,"

"I know,"

"So, what's wrong?"

What was wrong was that everyone lied. The T.V. shows, the movies, the songs, and even those kids from my neighborhood. They all made it seem like being older was amazing. Why would they do that? Why would they pretend like being older was so fun? Being a kid is the best thing in the world. I hate the fact that they deceived me. When you're a teenager, everyone is constantly asking you about your future, when you're still trying to figure out who you are in the moment. How is one supposed to know who they want to be in ten years when they don't know who they are today? It is nearly impossible. Eventually, things seemed to fall into place, but while I was trying to work things out, it was nerve wracking. All I wanted to do was go back to being a child. I cursed myself for wanted to grow up so badly every single day.

So now I vow to stay young. I know that I must grow up; I can't stay a child forever. I will always have responsibilities of my own and I will be independent. However, I refuse to be a boring adult who has no fun. I may have lost my adolescence to a world of judgement but I will not lose my life to that same feat. I will remain a child at heart even though my childhood self would have disagreed.