Letters to let go

The first of many

Here I find myself trying my hardest not to say that I hate you,

I feel as if though my age is something that should prevent me from loathing every single inch of you, I feel that just because this isn't the first time a relationship ends a failure I should somehow be already used to this, be used to the motions I have to go through until I can say I have forgotten about you.

The first part always felt like the worse, the relentless rage that would flow through my entire body, having each letter of your name become a curse word I would promise myself would never be uttered by my lips again. This time it felt different, I didn't want to give you that power over me, I didn't want to think that my days would be passed wishing every single bad thing that could happen to a person to happen to you. I just wanted to forget you, I wanted every single happy story I had with you to just vanish, I wanted my memory erased.

At first I felt fine, my days felt like any other day except for being a little bit lonelier. The nights in which you would linger in my head and in my thoughts although hard were nothing compared to previous times. I really thought that you just didn't matter that much to me. Then i realized I was running from the feelings, I was hiding myself in this whole "I'm better than that" attitude. Truth is I'm not, I'm no better than anyone, I hurt and feel bad about myself just about as much as the next person.

Seeing you was the hardest, being an adult about things and being civil sucked. I wanted to cuss at you ever so much, I wanted to yell at you and tell the world how horrible of a person I thought you were. I would think up these intricate ways of exposing each and every single flaw that you had to the world, hoping desperately that the world would turn its back to you just like I felt you turned your back to me. But that never happened, I never said a word, and the world still sees you as the "good" person you seem to be. I really don't like you.