Midnight Sunrise

Daily Battles

"My entire life can be described in one sentence: it didn’t go as planned, and that’s ok."

     Sometimes I feel like I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I just wanna give up. Then I wonder what will he do without me? How will me being gone affect his life? I love him so much how could I even think about leaving this depressing ass world when he makes it worth all the struggling.

     He won't stop crying it's 4am and it's his fifth time waking up since he went to bed at 11 last night. I'm so tired I've been dealing with this every night for the past couple weeks. "I just want sleep." I tell him. "You never do this at your fathers house! K.I pleaseee stop fucking crying! Oh my God you are soooo fucking aggy bro!" I whisper angrily into his face. He keeps crying... I realize what I'm saying, shake my head and think to myself as im patting him back to sleep 'Your baby is upset, stop being angry, he needs you. This is the little boy that you created and vowed to be the best mother stop being selfish and give him comfort not anger! Hes only 2.' Finally hes back sleeping! I hope he doesn't wake up again I'm exhausted. I was up since 6 this morning making breakfast and lunch for the day taking out clothes and getting ready for work and school.

   My name is Mariah. Im only 20 years old and it's like one day i have my whole life figured out but then the next day i just don't understand the purpose of life. It was never peaches and cream for me, not even as a child. I'm not sure I've ever had a consistent part of time where I wish I could go back to. I kinda only got certain moments. Like the day my son was born. I honestly just want to go back to the moment he came into the world, not even the whole day, or when i first left home and was on the airplane with my mom but not that whole day either. Im different from a lot of people. I feel like no matter what comes my way I can never let it bring me down but everyone has a breaking point. Right now I feel like I'm at mine. Life is hurdling everything it has at me and theres nothing I can do about it.

    Have you ever felt like you were just hanging on by a thread? Well my thread happens to be K.I, my 2 year old son. I never thought I would have to make the decision that either he go with his father and not be able to see me or he go with me and not be able to see his father. I'm listening to my heart istg (I swear to God) but its like my mind is really trying to convince me of the opposite. Even with "support" I've been struggling to make ends meet but now that we are no longer 1 big happy family I cant even do that! People dont understand that smh (shaking my head) but YES it is true! People who hasn't stepped 1 foot in my shoes, aint even TRYING to hear me out, are judging me! Like wtf how could you? My mom was a crackwhore since I was born. The thing is... shes different. Istg im not just saying that either! She was in recovery for a whole decade! Shes what you call a binge addict.

       That surgery was goodbye to my sober mom of over 7 years and hello to a crackwhore. She wasnt the same woman i begged and cried for late nights growing up. Man talk about the grass aint always greener on the other side... I went from being spoiled and abused to being spoiled and dealing with a psycho. I mean at least I knew what I was up against when I lived with my dad. He got drunk started beating on his girl and i would come to the rescue and fight her battles. Obviously I wouldnt win a fight with a 5"8 300 lb man thats been in and out of prison for little things like attempted murder, possesion of crack/cocaine, possesion of deadly weapons etc. Now that Im thinking of it that probably isnt too little to the average daddys girl weighing less than 150 standing at 5"1 1/2. I was stuck between both worlds. Daddy the dealer and Mommy the user. I guess I gotta Thank God daddy wasnt mommy's dealer.