Insight

Draining Thoughts

There are things that I often think about almost daily, most of these things is basically just comparing my life to other teenagers' lives around me and basically it's just everyone's out having fun, hanging out with friends, doing whatever y'know? LIVING THEIR LIVES. Then there's me, basically sleeping my life away. I'm lame and boring as all hell and there's nothing I can really do to change that. You can say "go hang out with your friends" or "go have fun and do something with your life" well guess what buttercup?? I CAN'T.
Sure there are others in the world who have it worse than me and I essentially have no right to complain, but it's stuff that actually bothers me on a personal level. I mean it seriously bothers me like it basically hurts me. It makes my mind wander and think of literally the worst scenarios possible in certain situations. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, I'm very bad at social interaction by the by, but who isn't right? I just take it really bad and I can't make eye contact with people. I also feel like I have pretty shitty luck so whenever something good happens I'm always expecting something two times worse to happen relatively soon afterwards. So yea I've kinda got a bit going on in my mind that's just bottled up in there. I don't really talk to people about this stuff though because I feel like they'll think I'm just some whiny little bitch who complains and sleeps all the time, so I'd rather not have that in all honesty. 
I moved away from my hometown last year and so I can't hang out with my friends as often as I used to and whenever I do I'm there for a couple of days and most of them are busy except for like two to three out of the seven or more I usually hang with. Now in this new city I have SOME friends but I don't try to hang out with them because they have other friends they've known way longer than me, so I'd just be being a bother I feel so I just stay to myself and it goes kinda okay. Plus I run an experiment on myself every now and again to see what triggers me to have an anxiety attack, but so far I've found a way to only enhance my depressed state. It's not healthy I know, but humanised experiments are never healthy, they weren't exactly meant to be anyways. I feel like I have a lot more going on in my mind than I've consciously acknowledged. But some of the stuff that I am fully aware of I just try to cover up with jokes.
So yea instead of talking to people I guess I'll just use this as a "public" diary, in a sense hardly anyone will read it anyways so I don't really care, it's something I figured I'd do as a release.