Seeing Through the Cracks

Chapter 14

On Halloween Day, I am sitting in my living room at home watching some afternoon TV, and my phone buzzes with an incoming email. It is from Jake. I don't know it yet, but my world is about to be rocked. As I read through his lengthy email, disbelief starts to set in. Jake explains a scary situation that he's gotten into. He's created a lie so deep that he is now backed into a corner and in need of my help. Every bone in my body is telling me not to panic; this situation is delicate and Jake is feeling vulnerable and desperate. He needs me to be calm and understanding. As I continue to read the message I am overwhelmed and very aware that this situation could have gone another way, and the message could have been delivered to me too late, and by a stranger.

The email reads as follows:

I've got to say something: I've panicked and fallen on my face. This semester due to my own mistakes I've ended up pretty much losing the semester.

I messed up on course selection last year for this semester, and then when it finally came time for me to pick courses, there was only 1 available. I registered for it and thought "okay, I can talk to the course counsellor about the others next, let's see how this goes" but mixed up the tuition payment deadline and ended up paying my tuition late. This led to me getting unregistered from the only course I had, and that was the final nail in the coffin. I panicked and my anxiety took over from there, driving me further and further into recluse. Every time I thought about reaching out for help, my mind just drove me back into constant questions of "what if there is no help? What if it's too late?" And that fear of learning if there wasn't help was enough to cause me to not want to get an answer at all. I freaked out and just couldn't bring myself past this mental barrier.

I tried really hard to do it on my own, to solve these problems myself, but I couldn't. I didn't realize just how bad my anxiety could get, and how much it could really affect me. I tried to be strong for you and dad, I didn't want you to worry about me and think you had to dote on me because of it, and that's been the reason I've tried so hard over the years to improve my anxiety and get control of it. I couldn't do it on my own, and it's cost me. I've lost this semester because of it.

At the start of October, I did finally manage to own up to my fears and set up an appointment with the program counsellor about my situation. We made a plan and I wouldn't have completely wasted my first semester of second year. The plan was made on the Friday so I was going to go to the offices to begin fixing things the Monday after dad's birthday weekend. I set my alarm to wake myself up on time for it but my phone died because I had no charger and the battery life ran out. I woke up when the offices were already closed and it threw me back into my panic. Instead of just going on the Tuesday and fixing things, my fears worsened and I found myself unable to move from my room. Finally my Residence Assistant (RA) came to the building to ask me about everything because all the information they had was that I wasn't registered, and I was forced to talk about the situation. There wasn't any pressure on my head talking to her, so I took the chance to talk about everything that had happened.

I went with her to a drop-in session with a therapist in the University Center so that I could get help, and the counsellor finally started making me understand just what it was that made me tick, and where my anxiety came from. It was really helpful, and I know now that this issue I have isn't something that I can face alone, or have to face alone. I wanted to show I was strong but my interpretation of what strong really is false in the worst of ways. I then immediately afterwards talked to my program counsellor about course selection and my professor for that one course I started out in. It's too late to jump into the course, and it can't be compressed down into a single month's time because it's so oriented around group work. I'm talking with the program counsellor again on Monday next week at 2pm to register for next semester and figure out a plan for how I can get all the courses back and fix this mess.