Save Me?

Two.

16th, October, 2016
New York
1:30 pm

Location: Jamaica, Queens. 

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"I'm already so tired of this shit!" I shouted, as my words were directed to no one. I entered my room wiping my mouth with the palm of my hands sighing softly.

Laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling, I rubbed my stomach. " Despite all the throwing up, mommy loves you already." something I found myself saying ever since my discovery.

Last week I found out I was pregnant, and now I am three weeks and four days along.  The signs were all there, the spotting, the cramping, the fatigue... They were all pregnancy signs where as, I thought they were symptoms of my period.

No one has been informed about my pregnancy as yet.  The only person that knows is Tony, we found out together. He seems very happy, he said he knew that I was pregnant all along because I was acting more like a baby than usual and as he said his soldiers are marching.

•

*knock, knock, knock*

"Who is it?!"  I asked but the door was just pushed open and my mother walked in.

" Hey mommy." I said sitting up as she took a seat at the side of my bed.

"I came in here to ask you, if you're keeping secrets from me?" she asked in her thick accent, staring directly at me.

"No Ma'am." I responded slowly, looking everywhere else but on her. 

"Look at me! " she said raising her voice a bit. " Do you think I'm dumb Onika?" she asked as I watched the anger grow in her face. 

"No.  I... I never said that " I told her borderline tears. 

"But that's what you are fucking insinuating! You think I don't hear you every morning puking your guts out?!? The cravings! And when you're not getting up early in the morning to vomit you're not getting up at all, being late for school, because you're tired from doing nothing! I had three children Onika!" she shouted shaking me up a bit. " So Amma ask you again! Are. You. keeping . secrets. from.  me?!"  she asked through gritted teeth, but too calm for my liking.

"I... I... I... Yes! I am pregnant!" I said now crying.

I sat sat on the bed crying, watching my mother as she turned red in the face. My first instinct was to move away from her. I scooted up more on the bed away from her,  only for her to stand to her feet and slap me dead in the face.

"Oww!" I screamed holding the side of my face as tears poured harder and faster out of my eyes. 

I got out of bed, still holding the side of my face to go to the mirror. Once I proceeded to mirror I felt my arm being grabbed as my body was pushed into the wall.

" So you think that your big?!? You fucking now?! You spreading your legs like one of those little hoes?! I never raised no WHORE! Now you pregnant?!? Who the fuck you think, gone take care of the little Bastard?!" she shouted slapping me again.

She continued to beat, curse and be-little me as I tried my best to protect myself and my unborn child. I screamed and shouted as tears ran down my face doing my best to run from the blows. In the middle of all the noise and running my bedroom door swung open and in walked Sherwin.

"Carol! Carol! What's going on?!" he asked shouting pulling her away from me.

"Oh you wanna know?! She decided to whore around and get pregnant! I fucking raised her better than that! Fifteen! Fifteen! and she's fucking pregnant!" she shouted breathing heavily as she walked around the room.

I slid down to the floor with my back against the wall, bringing my knees up to my chest, crying hysterically with an unstable breathing pattern. I lifted my head to wipe my eyes and my running nose, I saw my brothers in the hallway watching everything unfold. I placed my head down in embarrassment and continued to cry, listening to my mother and Sherwin go back and forth with each other.

"Carol so you're telling me, that you're surprised she's pregnant!?! How can you be upset with her and you allowed the NONSENSE! You allowed that man to walk in and out of YOUR house with YOUR fifteen year old daughter, when he feels! What do you think there doing when they are together? You think he's helping her with her homework?! I think the fuck not!" I heard Sherwin shout at her.

"You know what?! You're so right, but am I wrong for giving my daughter a bit of freedom? The right to choose who she loves and hates?! I expected her to make wise decisions! But I guess not! Onika be ready early in the morning." That's the last thing I heard any of them say as the door slammed shut causing my picture frame to fall off of the wall. 

I had no strength to move, my body ached in pain as I just laid flat on the floor. Laying down I rubbed circles around my stomach and cried silently as my breathing stabilized a bit. 

"No matter what, mommy loves you." I said speaking softly to my unborn, unformed child as my eyes got heavy and I drifted off to sleep.

~

17th, October, 2016.
~

Today is Monday a school day, but instead of being in school I'm stuck in an abortion clinic with my tears threatening to drown me. I felt out of place. I watched as my mother fill out everything that needed to be filled out, wishing that I could snatch the paper from her hands and shred it to pieces.

I tried to explain to her that, this is what I want, this is what we want, both Tony and I. It didn't matter how much I tried to explain though, she just kept saying I'm not ready,  but how the fuck would she know what I'm ready to do?  I made a decision! How would it look, how would it make me feel to conceive my child then leave? The concept alone just seems evil.

"Onika Maraj!" I heard my name being called as I looked up and wiped my face.

"Onika, stop crying. This is what is best. Now, I'm leaving I have to head to the restaurant, Sherwin will be here to get you when you're finished." she said kissing the side of my head, standing from her seat and walking out, leaving me there alone. 

"Onika Maraj?!" the nurse called again as I got up going to her as the tears Continued to stream down my face.

•••

Earlier I listened to the doctor tell me everything that is going to be done to me. He gave me the opportunity to see my child. At first I was puzzled as to why they'll show me this, it'll only cause me to become more attached. But it's procedure and I'm happy that I got to see.

Now I'm laying here on an operating table in a hospital gown, as the doctor got ready to take my child away from me. I laid there impatiently with tears running from my eyes, my heart pounding out of my chest looking for a way to escape, and with different thoughts running through my mind. I can't do this.

"I can't do this. " I said softly sitting up.

"I can't do this! " I shouted getting up from the bed pulling every wire that was connected to me. Gathering my clothes.

"Ms. Maraj y-"

"No! I said I can't fucking do this!" I said dressing myself, running out of the room then out of the building.

Running, not stopping and never looking back as the tears fell from my eyes and unto the street. No destination in mind, but I kept running.

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Thank y'all for reading, hope you enjoy.
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PLEASE excuse any errors made.

TonTon™ 😘