random thoughts

worst way

Is it just me, or is suicide the worst way to have someone leave you? I've had 2 very special people to me commit suicide. I love them dearly, and I've had people leave me and this world of natural causes like old age. I've also had people get killed. Be it in a car wreck or what not, and I've had people leave me just to leave. Not die, but.. just... leave. You know?
But having someone leave you, no warning, them doing it on purpose, you never being able to see or speak to them again.
When someone leaves you, for good, it hurts. Especially knowing you could've tried harder but not picking up the signs, and not being able to say goodbye.
Maybe that's why I try so hard to make sure everyone's okay. I think I have developed a sense for when people are sad or upset because I always seem to "know when people are upset"
I think I get really annoying though, constantly asking if people are okay, maybe it's because I get so scared to lose someone else, maybe it's because I over think things constantly. For example, if one of my friends says "I'm fine" I'll immediately assume something's wrong and ask if they're okay. Maybe it's because that's all I wanted to hear when I was depressed, maybe it's because I over think EVERYTHING.
In my opinion, suicide is one of the most painful ways to lose someone. Only because I haven't experienced something worse. I'm sure a lot of people have felt far worse, like losing someone to cancer, or having someone kill a loved one. I'm sorry, I probably don't know you but I feel terribly that people have to constantly die for the world to go around. I'm sorry that people have to lose someone they love. And I'm sorry for not being able to stop it. You may say it's not my fault, but I wish it was so no one would have to feel pain or guilt. I would gladly take on the burdens of everyone, past, present, or even future, if it means at least a few more people can smile.
You may call me naive, or fake, or ridiculous but that's how I honestly feel. Because if more people can smile, a true, happy smile, one that will maybe even make their eyes glow, one that shows they're TRULY happy, then the pain and suffering would be worth it. I would be like the keeper, in The Giver. I think that's what he is, right? I would try to help everyone because it breaks my heart to see people suffering. I hate it. Even if it's people I dislike. Maybe it's because I'm no stranger to stress or worry. I would have to fear the hunger in my stomach, or the worry of having no where to live. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me though. I have friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. Not even the guarantee of never being hungry or having a place to live. I love them more than words. I have a family that supports me. I have my schooling that I can fall back on. Many people can't say that much, and I'm so sorry. I wish people that "matter" and have enough money to wipe their bum with $100 bills cared like I do. I plan to use my schooling to get into a good college and get my dream job, then when I'm earning a steady income, I want to help people as much as I can. Because I know how it feels to be helpless. I wish I old help more. You may call me naive again. You can call me stupid or fake. You can call me what ever you'd like, but this is how I honestly feel.