My Love

Untitled Part 1

You were a galaxy and I was merely a star amongst billions, but I still loved you with everything I had. I thought that I had sparked a fire in your eyes, but it was merely a reflection of the one you had sparked in mine. Please come back to me. The pain in my chest is too heavy and I cannot breathe without you. It's agony.

I never would have imagined that anything could hurt this much, each memory I remember of us makes me feel as if every bone in my body is breaking. I can't take it, I can't do this! You were everything, you had my mind, my body, and soul but you threw it away like it was nothing, now I'm alone with no one to turn to, no friends, no family, you were all I had but I wasn't enough for you. I'm sorry, is there nothing I can do? Maybe if I lost ten pounds you'd still love me? Maybe if I wasn't so sensitive you'd still love me? Maybe if I made you breakfast in the mornings you'd still love me? Maybe just maybe, if I were different, you could love me like I loved you?

I know we had arguments, I know I cried too much, and I know I was easily jealous but don't you see that it was only because I cared for you, that it was only because I was terrified to lose you. I'm sorry I messed up so often, I was just trying to find my way but now I'm more lost than ever. I promise I really didtry my best and I'm sorry that it was never enough. Please just let it be enough.

All I can bring mself to do is curl up on your side of the bed, which still smells like your cologne. I'm still hoping you'll call, telling me you're sorry and that you didn't mean it, you couldn't have meant it because you said you loved me, you can't just stop loving someone. Maybe you never loved me at all, maybe you just whispered those sweet nothings into my ear at night just so you could open me up to stick your knife in. Maybe you're supposed to tell sad girls like me that you love them, maybe it was only temporary, but darling I wanted all of you forever.

How am I supposed to leave this bed? How am I supposed to go to work? How am I supposed to live like part of me hasn't died? How can I go more than ten minutes without crying? I guess that's the thing about losing someone you love so deepy, you don't see a way of life without them because they were your life. You know it's bad when whatever you do you want them there with you to experience and enjoy the best things that life has to offer because that's exactly what you deserve my darling. You deserve the very best and I wanted to be the one to give it to you.

I think the worst thing about it all is that you can never prepare yourself for the pain, whether you expect it or not, it hurts all the same. You plan this amazing future with someone and you harbour so much hope for it that you swear it could be real, but in the blink of an eye it's all over and there is no future anymore, no plans, nothings to strive for, just a blank, empty space of time that can no onger be filled. But it's not like that for you is it? You don't love me anymore, right?

I know you'll find someone else. She'll probably be thinner, and better looking than me, she'll spend more time smiling instead of crying, she'll spend more time on the ground, rather than with her head in the clouds. You'll love her and it makes me sick because I promise she'll never love you like I did. I know I'll probably see you in another five years' time in the supermarket or in a coffee shop, and we'll talk as if we're old friends, as if we weren't madly in love at some point in our lives, you'll tell me that you have a wife and kids, even though you said you never wanted any. However my heart will still be aching for you, the lonely space that you left will still be deep in my chest, and even then I know I will stil want you, I will always want you.

Trust me, I loved you, oh God did I love you, you made my heart feel like it was glowing, you made me feel as if I was floating and falling at the same time. I'm sorry that I shouted at you and I'm sorry that I got so upset with you, but we could have worked it out, we always did. You didn't have to slam the door and never come back, you didn't have to say you didn't love me anymore, and that I was too hard to be with. I know we both said some things we shouldn't have but I was upset, you were not fair on me, you told me that you would never leave me and that I would never be alone, but now the silence of this flat is deafening and it's cold from your absence.

Maybe I should get out of this cage of a bed, maybe I should take a shower, maybe I should do my hair and makeup, maybe I should go out, maybe I should call an old friend and arrange to have coffee, maybe I could meet someone, maybe they woud be wonderful and we would fall in love, maybe I can be happy without you. But who am I kidding? Life isn't worth living because there is no me without you.