Like a puppet

Chapter 1 - Like a puppet

In the car, I rolled slowly to my house. My husband was already back, except if he still had work to do. I did not blame him. Our respective jobs clearly took a big part of our married life, but he did not seem to be bothered by that aspect, and me too.

I knew there was not much to eat in the refrigerator, so I walked to the nearest pizzeria. David loved the pizza and could swallow dozens a day if he wanted to. Unlike me, who preferred to eat balanced with a good dose of vegetables and meat or fish. So I decided to give him this pleasure.

Smiling, my face withered at the sight of my husband. Behind the window of a restaurant, he was sitting at a table, but he was not alone. A woman sat opposite him, at the same table with him. I did not know how, but I managed to keep the pizzas in hand, just as my legs succeeded in bringing me home.

Once inside, I could not help but see their smiling faces again. My husband held his hand in his, and they were laughing. They burst out laughing. This woman, I had already seen her. Her brown and very short hair framed her young face perfectly. Her body possessed the perfect curves for a woman. All my contrary. I was too thin, but I had never complained. Until now.

As I went to my room, I saw my wet cheeks. When I thought about it, I had never cried before my husband. No situation was conducive to sadness during our four years of marriage. No deaths in the family, no accidents, nothing. I was happy. Satisfied with my life.

But today I let my tears flow. I wanted to stop them, because I was a strong woman. Because I am independent. Because I am me. But I realized that I could not stop the pain my heart felt. A tear. Dry and fast. My heart ... broken in two.

Strangely, the anger had invaded me, but the guilt too. What had I done wrong? Why had he gone to see someone else? I thought again and again of this woman. His mistress. That was how they were called, did not they? A woman who slept with the husband of another.

I washed my face with all this pain, but only my tears and make-up faded. I took a long shower hoping to have dreamed, imagine everything. Hope gives life, it was said. But I was not told what kind of hope.

I shut the tap of cold water and came out of the shower like a soulless body. I put on light pastel pants and a simple top. Even in my own home, I did not allow myself to carry a jog. Yet, video games and music thoroughly had rhythmic all my adolescence. Since when have I changed my tastes? Ever since I entered the world of work. Since I had this stable job.

Since I was married, I had undergone radical changes. But David no longer saw my changes in appearances. In fact, he had never noticed them. At first I thought it was him, that he was a man, so he did not see all these subtleties. The new haircuts I adopted, the new clothes, more expensive, the food ordered...

Now I doubted. When I realized that in other couples, the husband saw that his wife had, at least, something different even if it took time to know exactly what. But, my husband, never.
Then a question crossed and poisoned my mind, had he only loved me once?

Rolling into a ball on the bed, I was emotionally washed, while I did not show anything on my face. It was like that. Apart from children where I was smiling a lot, I always kept a closed face. For me, it was just a professional face. But for the others, I was a woman with a severe face and strict temperament. Only David knew that I was gentle and benevolent. He told me all the time. He even suggested I should be more open to other people, like his friends, but I could not. I could not do it. And, perhaps, that I would never succeed, but the mere fact that David could love me as I was, had made all my doubts disappear. Until now.

Today my husband was with another woman. All these unfortunate thoughts had resurfaced like a viper who was only looking to blow unanswered questions, thus increasing my ill-being.

I heard the door open. David had returned. He would surely climb the stairs to join me, but I did not know what attitude I should adopt. Should I shout at him because I saw him with another woman? Or should I pretend not to have seen anything?

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep soundly. I heard the rustle of his clothes as well as his strong breathing. In my mind, I was completely panicked. I did not know what to do. Chagrin and anger mingled with my torment.

***

The next day, I got up and rushed into the bathroom. All the meal from yesterday had ended in the toilet. My husband was not in bed near me. On the bedside table I saw a post-it note that he was leaving earlier this morning to work. I sincerely doubted that he had left to just work. He must surely have rejoined his mistress.

Much anger invades me, but the two bars on the pregnancy test taunted me more. A test that I treasured, but now I looked like I was trying to decipher what these sticks meant, even if I knew the answer. I was pregnant. Since when? I don't know, maybe a month or two... I had all the symptoms, but I made sure to put it on my stress and my fatigue.

After four years, I was finally going to have a baby. A child of my husband. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to smile so much. I wanted to feel joy. But all I could feel was sadness and fear. Why, what now? Why not before? Why?

Again, tears ran down the slope of my cheeks. My face had become a sinister river of decay. I did not know if I could love this child. Maybe I could, but I could not let the child grow when he would have no father and maybe an absent mother. If anything happened to me, the child would be alone. So I did the only act that I thought was right.

I went to the doctor for an abortion. He kept talking, informing me, and documenting abortion. I listened with a distracted ear, fixing with impassive air the attestation I had in my hand. He gave me a first medication that would be used to interrupt the pregnancy, then two days later I had to swallow a second medication that would cause the abortion. He told me it was normal for me to bleed.

Before I left, he told me there had to be a second consultation in two weeks to make sure everything was fine. I, who believed that I had finished with abortion, had made a mistake. I was to suffer another fourteen days with that man who was deceiving me without remorse.

Two weeks passed, without sex for me, but he must have had fun with his mistress. I alighted to smile the day and weep at night. Or maybe it was the other way around? The days blended with the agitated and bloody night. He was leaving. I felt it. My baby was flowing, mixed with that blood. David thought it was my period that caused me so much pain. But it was the loss of our future baby that killed me from the inside.
During this second consultation, we talked about this medication. What I felt, what I had to do, what I was going to feel. A blood test followed the consultation to be assured of success. A success? Really? I had just killed an embryo that could have been my baby, and it was a success?

The doctor checked my contraception and then asked me if I wanted an talk with a psychologist. I refused. I did not want to tell anyone about it for now. Maybe later, I would have the courage to untie my tongue to relieve me, but it would not be today.

When I returned, I cried. All this in the back of David. Of course, he smiled at me, I smiled at him, without showing him my real agony.

Taking me in the arms on the evening of that frightful day, David had not realized anything. I was split between relief and disappointment. I would have liked to tell him. I wish he knew. I would have liked to swing at him all my feelings that trailed in me like parasites. But I do not say anything. I was silent and let him talk about his day smiling here and there. Like a puppet.

English is not my native language, so feel free to tell me if there are errors :)