2 More Pills

How do I start?
How do I tell this story without sounding like a depressed mess?
I'm just going to have to try.....

So when I was younger I had an incident. It not only effected me, but it effected my family and everyone I know. It was all an accident, I never meant it, it wasn't my fault.
Okay so a bit of background, I had a lot to look forward to in life but someone was always putting my mood right back down. Never did I think that it would come to that but I was mistaken.
I was 16 when it happened, the dreaded incident. My life was over, literally. I never meant to take my own life it just kind of happened. Now that you've got the what I'm going to tell you how.
I woke up on a beautiful sunny Monday morning, my mum was at work, my dad well he never came home 7 years ago after he told us he was going to 'work' in the Bahamas, he was really going to meet a mistress then 6 months later the divorce papers came through the letter box and that was the end of him.
The more I think about it I'm better off without him, he was the main person who dragged me down with every move I made. I couldn't help that I was a socially awkward mess of a person that couldn't get a sentence out my mouth without having a mental breakdown or minor heart attack, it's just who I was.
Anyway back to how, I had a really bad migraine that morning so as I walked through the dull house to the even more depressing bathroom to get headache tablets, I managed to trip over absolutely nothing, God knows how but I'm also the world clumsiest teen, I slammed to the floor really hurting my arm on impact. Thinking it was broken I ignored it because there was no need to go to the hospital plus mum was at work and I didn't want to bother her for something that was probably nothing.
I took the box of paracetamol out of the cabinet, put it in my school bag and went on my way.

As I walked down the long, straight road I couldn't help but think that my head was killing and I could turn back home now without even stepping foot in the physical representation of depression the government call school, or go and sit there take the names, the taunting, and just let the teachers observe everything happening and just not bother to do anything because they do not care as long as they're getting a pay check at the first Friday of every month. Since I was failing all my classes and needed that bit of extra help I chose to go in to my living nightmare and sit through hell for the next 7 hours and 10 minutes of my life where my friends basically forget I exist and everyone else ignores me, clearly made the right choice.
First period approached, this migraine hadn't shifted so I decided to take 2 more pills. The lesson seemed to drag more than usual. Noting seemed to shift this migraine so I took another 2 pills. Each lesson taking 2... More... Pills.

Walking back down the narrow roads seemed exhausting although only 10 minutes. My head wasn't pounding anymore but my back was aching so I reached into the packet, only to find that it was in fact empty. I was a little taken back to think that I had taken the whole packet in only 7 hours. Without noticing, I had became numb, dizzy, nauseated. As I ran through the door mum was stood in the kitchen I shouted to her that I was home no dashed up the stairs thinking that no matter what I did I would die because that's how I felt on the inside, it felt like everything was twisting and curling. I didn't know how to tell my mum that I had overdosed and I knew for certain that I was going to die, but what you don't know is that I'm a really bad hypochondriac, at least once a week I think I'm dying. As I ran down the stairs screaming that I was sorry I was such a screw up and that I hated myself for everything I put her through, my mum stopped me and asked what was going on, I explained that after near breaking my arm this morning I took her extremely strong pain killers for my head and I may have taken the whole packet. I thought she'd be mad or distressed but she just laughed. I stopped crying for a second and looked her at with the most confused expression on my face that I could possibly make.she turned to me and said that I was being ridiculous I wasn't dying that yes they were very strong but even if I had the whole pack and not just one strip I still wouldn't of died maybe very ill but not dead. I was so relieved to hear those words coming out her mouth, this time I was sure I was a goner.
So after being safe for another day I prayed for yet another. Though unfortunately I didn't get one. The next day I'm about to tell you about was my last and worst day on the horrible plant.
I walked out of my house and down that same very long, straight road. Now today was a very strange day after coming close to death all the time, or well that's what I thought, I started to have these thought these bad thoughts that maybe if while crossing the road I happened to stop and wait for a car to hit me, or passing the river and just 'going for a swim' and breathe in some water or not come up for air, those kind of thoughts, you know bad thoughts. I never done anything stupid but came close to it.
I entered the building that everyone hates going to and went to first period, art class. We were told to draw something that represents the way we feel on the inside, so I draw a girl crying in the corner with about 20 knifes in her back and a grouped of people with snake heads, basically I felt as if I was being used and that all my friends just stab me in the back every time I try to do something to help them cause they're all snakes and don't actually care about me. It doesn't represent the ay I felt on the inside because I could of drew something much worse that actually showed how I felt but I just drew the way I felt everyday.
The teacher pulled me up to ask if I was okay and if I needed to talk but I said that I was fine and won't be in tomorrow because I had an 'appointment' but I knew exactly why I wasn't going to be in class but he didn't need to know. I know what your all thinking but no I didn't take my own life but I ain't far from it.
As the day went on, life just got so much worse, as I got home I had to go along to my grans and it was all going well walking along without those thoughts that I had that morning, so as far as I was aware everything was going just fine. I walked in to my grans apartment and gave her a massive hug. I never thought that within the next 15 minutes I would never get to hear her voice or see her smile ever again.
My gran is extremely ill she's got so many things wrong with the her, the worst thing I think that she has is dementia. It always made me really sad going to see her just because of the way she was.
Remember that migraine I had yesterday? Well it had came back and worse than ever I asked my gran if she had any paracetamol, she did so I went through to the bathroom and took two pills out of the packet, took them and continued to talk to my gran. I had to walk home because mum couldn't come to get me, as I walked up the street I started to feel vey ill, dizzy. Stumbling up the street, I couldn't see straight, struggling to walk I fell and smacked my head off a wall. I lay there, not moving, I could feel the blood tricking down my head dripping on to the ground and making a puddle around my head, as i drifted of, never to wake again.

Death wasn't like people say, it's more like, peaceful and quiet but there wasn't a light that came to get me and no god it was just well peaceful.
My mums struggling but getting on okay, she goes to a therapist every Wednesday night and has done since they found me lying on the cold street.
My friends they actually didn't notice I was gone until today, and you know that hurt, a lot, but I can't change that clearly I just needed to find new friends or something but it wouldn't of changed what happened to me.