The Whole Truth

 
I sat across Alex, looking at his hands folded in one another, probably to hide his sweaty, glistening palms. I knew those hands were sweating; the drop above his brow gave it away—he is just as nervous as I am to be here. We both knew a big change for the both of us was about to happen.

Where do I begin? I asked myself, staring at his burrowed eyebrows and his mouth, tightened at the edges. His lips formed a harsh line, a sight I wasn't too familiar with as I've always thought of them as the softest, most delicate thing I've ever seen at one point. Does he know where this is going? again, I'm asking questions that I should be asking him instead.

His eyes snapped up to me, meeting mine. I remember when those eyes used to hypnotise me, sending me into a trance every time he looked at me from under his long eyelashes. The blood in my veins would heat up and flush my whole body, sending a shock through my nervous system, forcing me to stiffen up. Alex looked at me as though he knew all of me was all for him.
I sucked in a deep, sharp breath, as though I were about to finally tell him, but the air gets caught in my throat—it comes out as a sigh instead.

Telling the truth was more difficult than I thought. No, telling the whole truth is difficult. The word 'truth' is such a generic word. I could tell the 'truth' but also coat it with layers of sugar to hide the taste of the whole truth. How honest is the 'truth' anyways when it's sugar coated? The truth, with all it's different layers of intensity could sit just well on the fence without hurting someone else's feelings or jeopardising my own.

But he deserves to know everything, my mind hisses at me again.

I realised then that we had been staring each other this whole time my mind had been spinning—in complete and utter silence. He reaches a hand over to hold mine. Sweaty, as presumed. I looked at his fingers laced with mine and there my mind drifted away again, to the time he first ever took my hand in his, to lead me to a quiet room away from our friends so that we could share a slow dance. We didn't have any music so he sang to me, his gorgeous voice soothing my heart, his warm breath caressing my ear lobes. A rush hits me in my temples. I had to close my eyes to shake it away. How hard was it to tell him the truth? Not that hard.

But the whole truth? 

"Hey," his voice broke my train of thoughts—even though it wasn't exactly a smooth chugging train. He ran his thumb over my knuckles. "Breathe," his tight lips formed a familiar smile. That smile that would comfort me through the worst of days. He would always end one of my crazy crying rages with that smile. It was the kind of smile that would tell an insane person that everything will be okay.

Alex would think that he is a part of my whole story. But now I had to tell him that he is just a chapter. 

I also had to tell Alex the whole truth. Not just the truth.

The truth being that I found somebody else.

The whole truth being who it is.

I could feel it. I could feel the familiar sense of uncertainty rushing through my being as the whole truth hesitated to come out. It was almost like all those feelings Alex used to give me. The feeling of uncertainty when falling in love.

With love, I felt a stiffness every time he looked at me, as though if I were to move even the slightest bit, I would break his gaze and he would never look at me again. With the whole truth, I also felt stiff because now that we are here, I cannot run anywhere.

With love, I felt a flush when he first held my hand to slow dance with me. With this whole truth, I also feel a flush, adrenaline pumping into the temples of my head, making me feel a little light headed, even.

With love, the words I want to speak get stuck in my throat, not wanting to say too much, up to the point that he wouldn't want to listen and leave. With the whole truth, the words also get stuck in my throat, not wanting to say too much, up to the point he would have heard enough and leave.

But I know at the end of this uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty comes the break through.
With love, the breakthrough is knowing whether he loves me back.

With the whole truth, the breakthrough is finally being able to tell him that I don't.

Not any more, at least.

It was many years before that I had told Alex I was in love with him. Alex and I were seated on a bench overlooking the beach party his sister was throwing. The underaged drinking was taking a toll on the teenagers; some of them tumbling in the sand, others having water fights despite the fact that it was 50 degrees Fahrenheit out.

My hands were sweating too, despite the fact that it was 50 degrees out.

The moment I felt his eyes on me, I stiffened, practically able to hear my heart beat in my ears even though the winds were whipping hard in our faces. My eyes slowly met with his and he had that very slight, beckoning smile on his face, as though he knew I had something to tell him.
At that point we had been friends for 6 years, so of course he'd know when I had something to say.

And then he set his beer down on the floor, right by where the sand met the concrete. He kept his eyes on me and proceeded to take my hand into his, just like that time he asked me to dance. I wasn't sure whether it was the alcohol or just his touch, but my cheeks flushed a deep red. I couldn't see it; I just felt it.

I opened my mouth to speak, though nothing would come out. The strong winds were just getting caught in my throat.

His hands continued cradling mine, his gaze not breaking away from me. His smile grew a little bigger, as though he knew what was coming.

He always knew.

Step 1. The disclaimer.

"Alex," I start, with the gentle sound of his name. "I just want to be sure that whatever I say does not change a thing between us and that I'm telling you this cos you deserve to know it, whether it's a good thing for you or not. And nobody knows this but your sister."

Step 2. Build the safety net.

"No matter what happens after I tell what I'm about to tell you, I want you to know that you are and always will be important to me. And nothing will change that, no matter how you react to this."

Step 3. Give a token.

"You are the most amazing friend to me. Absolutely the most amazing human being to have been a part of my life so far. You have to know this because..."

Step 4. The truth.

"I am absolutely in love with you."

Step 5. The whole truth.

"I have been, for the past—."

"2 years, I know," he interrupted. "My sister told me." His smile grew wider.

Alex always knew.

I have to begin.

I drew in a slow breath, my hands dancing with his so that I can hold his sweaty hand in mine instead of the other way round. I started to realise the hard wooden chair I was sitting on; this was a sign that we have been sitting here too long and it was time to get to the scary part of our meeting.

Step 1. The disclaimer.

"Alex, I need you to know that whatever I'm about to tell you, I'm telling you in confidence. And I'm telling you because you deserve to know. I figured you should have the privilege of knowing everything before anyone else does."

He shifts in his seat but doesn't say a word. His eyes meet mine and he nods, beckoning me to continue.

Step 2. Build the safety net.

"I love you, and I always will. And I'm not saying this to sugar coat anything. In fact, I'm saying this because it is the truth and I'm about to tell you the WHOLE truth, not just parts of it. And no matter how you react to this, I will still love you."

Step 3. Give a token.

"You a wonderful person. Please keep in mind that everything I'm about to tell you isn't your fault. You have been nothing but perfect to me. But—" and here it comes.

Step 4. The truth.

"—I don't think that you are perfect for me. Or rather, I don't think we're perfect for each other. And the only reason I know this is because I have been spending time with someone else that has shown me that we're not meant to be together."

Intermission.

I had to let him breathe. I had to let myself breathe. I wasn't sure if I had said it all in one breath or if I had taken too many breaths, but I was feeling so light headed. I was close to the break through. A little more, I told myself.

It was as crazy as telling him I was in love with him that first time. The words just collecting in my mouth like a overfilled water dam that was ready to spill out everything I've kept inside me, the dizziness from overthinking the situation too many times over and especially the tears in my eyes that were just symbols of my frustration and a sign that I couldn't wait to get this done and over with.

How funny is it that a person goes through the same emotions when trying to win over a heart and breaking one?

I couldn't wait any longer. I could tell Alex was getting restless in his seat and I didn't want to bring out any inappropriate actions from him. It seemed like he knew what was was going to come next.

He always knew.

"Alex, I don't want to hide anything from you. You deserve to know every single detail. So you should also know that the person is—."

"—I know," he interrupted, taking his hands back from mine. "My sister told me."