Thanks for Making me a Fighter

Chapter !

Ms. Patty. She was my therapist in 5th grade. At first I only wanted to talk to her because my sister had one. She was nice always asked me if I was doing okay with my transitions. There have been a lot. I should mention why my Gma (Grandma) actually out me in therapy. 

When I was 8 my dad left my family with his girlfriend (don't make him the bad guy you'll get it later.) My mom was pretty depressed already but that definitely shook it up more. I was sad and didn't understand why my dad was gone. I slept with my mom after that. I was a scared child and wanted protection. That's not what I got.

Awhile after I started sleeping in my moms bed, I started to realize it was a little weird how she was always very very close to me when I slept. She eventually started to get more "intimate" she would kiss me goodnight, but she'd kiss for too long. It was uncomfortable but I didn't know any better. Sometimes, she would touch me in my sleep. That also got uncomfortable.

To this day I don't know if she remembers doing any of this. I don't know if she was drunk, sober, or so confused that she didn't know who I was. So as any normal 8 year old little girl without her dad and her mom doing stuff I pretending I was a happy little girl. 

We got kicked out of my house when I was 9. Of course I was sad about this we had been there for years. We moved a lot for my dads job so I was sort of used to it. We moved close to my school into a trailer. At this point me and my mom had to share a bed my older sister (2 1/2 years) got her small room to herself. I pretended to be okay with this. I was always happy though. Just because it was comfortable didn't mean it was bad. That's what I went with. My neighbors were some of my best friends so were the boys who lived across the alley. Even a few of the girls who lived a block down. All the boys went to my school which my whole group used as a park whenever we wanted to go and play. 

Then a little after my 10th birthday, my mom got a boyfriend. 

This dude was fucking creepy. Not to me though, my sister was the one who thought he was weird, her being older made sense. I just wanted a dad. My dad and my relationship wasn't liked by my mother so I didn't see him all that much, so this man was like a do-over. We ate out as a "family" did normal stuff whenever he was around. His name was Dean. Then, Dean moved in. 

He got the spare bedroom and my mother, my sister, and I had to share the bigger room. He and my mom would stay up really late and be drunk a lot. Now my mother smokes so she is constantly outside, because she was and still is a severe addict, to pretty much everything. One day one of my brothers and his girlfriend came over. We had tons of fun, played games, watched our sibling shows. He wasn't okay with my moms boyfriend, which really should've said something to her. That night he tucked me in and I was feeling particularly unsafe and unhappy that night so he made me a bed on the floor between the bed and the wall, so I was "Extra safe and snug." I loved it and went to bed while my sister was on the bed, to be alone until my mom and Dean were done being stupid people. 

I woke up about 2 in the morning. Flashing lights, sirens and all.