Bad Choices

eleven

Late night thoughts: I've never been more nervous.

Jess is one complicaded guy.

For the past two days the only thing I have been able to think about has been Harry and the hollowness inside me. But not now. After last night the only guy on my mind is Jess Whatever-his-last-name-is.

I know nothing about him. Not even his last name and here I'm ready to write his (first) name in my notbooks like a seven year old having a crush.

But that's not everything. AJ is coming back and I've never felt more scared. I honestly don't know how my mom thinks. Well, she doesn't, obviously. She haven't been home for a while, just a quick stop yesterday.  A few hours after Jess left. She barely stayed. Didn't noticed how sad I was, and if she did, she didn't care. Probably off with AJ and that's fine. As long as she and AJ stays as far away from me as possible.

It's funny how no matter how old I get or how many times she disappoints me. I never stop hoping. Hoping she will become my mom, that she will hold me instead of her liquor bottle and spent the time she is at the bar with me.

That she will love me.

But she left again. I was asleep. Her bag is missing, so I guess she will be gone for awhile. She does this occasionally. Disappear

And I haven't talked. I don't know why. I just don't feel like doing anything...not even breathing.

I tried to turn off my thoughts, but that didn't go so well. I tried to turn off my heart, but the pain only came back stronger. And I tried keeping my eyes dry, but it only lasted an hour.

Cleo wanted to take personal leave off work to look after me. I begged her not to.

I know she's trying her best, I know she loves me and just wants too look after me but it just becomes too much. I can't have her baby me. I will do just fine.

And here I am. Laying on the cold floor like a mess. How I got to the floor? I don't remember. How long I've been laying here? I don't know. What I do know is that I won't be here for one more second.

****

The warehouse is empty. Thankfully. This place that is like my second home but now it feels way to big and cold.

My footsteps echoes as I walk on the concrete floor. Walking straight to the big red flower I've painted on the wall. A Rose. A Rose for Harry. Fucking Harry.

When I reach the wall I angrily drop the heavy backpack I've been carrying to the floor.

And I get to work.

***

A few hours later, I don't know how many, the Rose is gone. The graceful spray painted rose that I painted there is completely coverd. Coverd by a huge black bird. A bird with his wings spread out wide, feathers in gray and black and red eyes. Magnificent. And the most beautiful thing I most have ever created.

I needed closure. And since I can't talk to Harry without bursting to tears, I decided to paint over the flower that I painted for him.

I look over the giant bird that's covering up next to the howl wall. I'm thankful for the latters that hang around here. My eyes goes to its stomach, it's chest. Where, on to of his feathers. Is a small but still noticeable lilly.

A whistle can be heard from behind me. I snap my head around to see a dark figure standing there. It's dark out I notice now. Only soft light from the lamps in here provides som light over me but the person is not under any light. I can't see his face.

I mean, it's a him or a girl who's siluette looks like a guys.

"I like it," the figure steps forward but it wouldn't have needed too. I know who's voice that is.

"Thanks," I turn around to look at it. My shoulders relaxing and a small smile tugs at my lips.

"It's- wow." His now next to me. His hand reaching out to touch the wall and the beginning of the bird and I notice a simple silver band around his thumb. "I can't even draw stick figures."

I chuckle lightly at Jesses joke. Barely a laugh. To weak and hoarse to classify as a laugh, but still the closest to one I can get.

I dart my eyes towards him but his head is still tilted upwards. Looking at the bird. A slight smile tugging his plum lips upwards as his eyes zero in on one spot.

"I like the Lilly." He smirks and drops his hand from the concrete wall. Looking down at me.

I almost blush. Almost. Instead I hold his gaze. "I like lilies." I innocently tell him with a shrug. And he smiles knowingly.

"Why are you here?" I ask.

"I just needed to get out of the house." He doesn't say it casually. He bites down his teeth and looks like his fighting to not show his anger. I decide not to push the subject. We just agreed to become friends, we aren't quite there yet.

"You?"

I look back up to the bird. "Closure."

We sat and talked for hours. Against the wall. He told me about his hate for pickles and how his worst fear is people in animal costumes. I actually laughed at that. A raspy laugh but still a laugh. I mean, who has a fear of people in animal costumes.

"You don't know who's in there!" He defended himself. "It could be a murderur on the run for all you know, or a guy who's... you know, having a bit too much fun by himself down in there." That I punished him on the arm for. But I still laughed.

And I decided that I like laughing.