Life

Life: Edit 2

What is the meaning of life? A question so many people have asked but no one has yet found an answer. I have always felt something was missing... but I do not know what it is.
Must I find love? I'm moving in with my fiancé in a couple weeks so that can't be the answer.
Must I find purpose? For my Kindergarten classroom certainly finds me useful and I try making everyone happy. That's certainly good, right?
Must I be intellectual? I have degrees in teaching and business; I would think that should be sufficient.
Must I work harder? I work from seven to five almost every day and I give my best effort no matter how terrible the morning is. Surely that's enough.
Must I be rich? I may not be a billionaire, but I have enough money to live happily and successfully.
Must I be beautiful? I may not be the most attractive person on the face of the planet. My short brown hair and hazel eyes could use many improvements, but I am comfortable in my own body.
Is it because I'm living my life wrong? I don't believe that there is a wrong way to live life as long as you're happy.
Must I be selfless? I like to think I am selfless. I allow my fiancé to do irresponsible and irrational things because it makes him happy. He stays out late, arrives home drunk and hurts me, but he always has a happy smile on his face in the morning so I keep letting him do it. My boss sexually harasses me after school hours but the next morning he always smiles at me and my fiancé has taken notice, so I am being selfless by making them both happy and letting them do as they wish.
Is it because I am not important enough? Just because I am not Judge Judy or the President of the United States does not mean I am any less important. I believe everyone is important in some way, shape, or form. I believe that as long as I'm making other people happy I'm serving my purpose. Earlier in my life I didn't make my parents happy, so they left me behind, at least that could be the only logical explanation for it. I'm sure they're happier without me anyways. I'm important to my fiancé, no matter how much he denies it. My boss says I'm important and that no one could be a better kindergarten teacher than I, so I must be important, at least to them.
Is it because I've made too many mistakes? My parents left me in an orphanage when I was old enough to remember them, so I wouldn't know the mistakes a made to make them leave me. I don't know what mistakes I have made in order for me to miscarry... twice. I don't know how many mistakes I've made in the past but everyone makes mistakes. If it were to be perfect then there would be no point. No one is perfect.
Must I be honest? I've lied quite a few times in my life, to get my fiancé out of jail, to other teachers who ask about my boss and I, and to my neighbor when she asks what the screaming late at night is from, but that doesn't make me a bad person.. Does it?
Is it because I'm not religious? I don't believe in god anymore, for my fiancé says not to believe in such childish things. I wouldn't dare go against what he says.
Is it because I'm not grateful? This is the only thing that it could possibly be, for it is the only one that I cannot seem to wrap my head around. I should be grateful for this job and wonderful fiancé and these caring neighbors that have been given to me, yet I wish my life were different. Is something wrong with me?
I should work on that now... being grateful, for what have I to try? I don't know what my life will come to or where it will lead. But I know one thing for certain... My life is a weird sort of perfect. I may not believe in god but I will thank him every night for giving me my loving fiancé, no matter how many scars and bruises my body has claimed from him. I will thank him for my job and boss, no matter how many times he takes advantage of me. I will thank him for the possibilities that lie before me, no matter the number of children I've lost. I will thank him for my parents, though they weren't there for much of my life. I will thank him for my neighbors and their caring nature, who haven't moved even when I had advised them so. I will thank him for my home, no matter how many drugs lie within the walls. I will thank him every day when my students come to class, their little smiling faces shining so brightly it almost makes me forget my troubles.
The meaning of life could be "to be grateful" or "to be selfless" but no matter what anyone else says, the meaning of life to me is to be happy. What makes me happy is to make others happy, even though I may be falling apart at the seams.

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