Family! They have more power to cause pain than others in my world. My husband, most specifically. Four years ago, after a physician's visit, lab results came back abnormal. His liver enzymes were elevated. The physician suggested a follow-up with additional tests and an CT scan. But, my husband felt fine and was not overly concerned with any follow-up; so he ignored the advice of his physician. Six months later, Spring 2014, he had the blood work repeated and his enzymes were higher than before; now, he took the advice seriously. He was referred to an oncologist because, now, his platelets were low. Did he have cancer? Luckily, NO!
At this time, our youngest son, Daniel was going to be married in June. We had decided not to tell our children until after Dan's wedding that George was undergoing diagnostic tests to find out what was going on. That was a poor decision! Three weeks before Dan's wedding, George didn't feel well and began vomiting blood! Emergency crews were called and he was rushed to the hospital! He was bleeding from esophageal varices, which are veins that had burst! He had cirrhosis of the liver! Low platelets, the clotting factor in his blood, meant he could bleed to death. He was jaundiced as well! He wasn't coherent for most of that week. Tests and procedures began this journey to where we are at this moment! Knowledge wasn't our friend! New meds and diet changes!
As he began to feel better, even though he was being evaluated for a liver transplant, he did not follow the physician's advice. The better he felt the less he followed the advice. He didn't watch his glucose level; he didn't watch his diet-salt or carb intake. Physician appointments weren't important!
This, I think, is where the disintegration of our marriage began. While being evaluated for the transplant, he decided not to have a transplant! We had talked about this being his decision, but he told Daniel before me. Daniel told me!!! That hurt very badly!! I would have supported his decision! I wasn't important enough to him! I believed his focus was himself, which is understandable. He was facing his own death! But all through this time I was left out of his life!
He began looking for a "friend" though I didn't know this at the time! I got past the hurt of his decision about the transplant and continued to take care of my father and to clean Aunt Carole's house. I spent long hours away and he spent more time at work. I didn't realize the distance that had formed between us that widened daily. He spent so much time away, since he was a driver, often overnight. Sometimes, he would finish one delivery, get back into town just to turn around for the next delivery. I didn't see him in these instances; so, we could go three days without really talking! I would ask him to spend time with me, but he said, "Why come home if I am just going to be yelled at?" I stopped asking; he became more distant.
Meanwhile, George applied for a mortgage to see if we could finance Aunt Carole's house. His application was turned down. More heartbreak! He had a desperate need to get the house, " to take care of me!"
Dad considered it until mid-June, before he applied for a mortgage. Then, four days after his application, Dad didn't feel well. He called us early in the morning to tell us. George went down and stayed with him for a while thinking it was Dad's diabetes. By 9:00 am, he still didn't feel well. I made an appointment that afternoon to take him to the doctor. The doctor examined Dad, but thought it was only the flu. I took him back to the house where his condition went downhill. I called the EMT's to examine Dad. They transported him to the hospital, where we were told he had suffered a major heart attack! He needed to have a heart catheterization to find out what was going on! Dad had suffered too much damage and he died June 25.
My world was spiralling out of control! Grief, soul wrenching, heart rendering!
George blamed himself for Dad's heart attack. He had trained as an EMT. HE FELT HE SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT THE SYMPTOMS! Not even Dad's physician caught it! But, George didn't accept that. HE SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT! He became emotionally unavailable and even more distant!
My grief added more tension because I was floundering alone! Add to the circumstances that we were being evicted and we moved into Aunt Carole's house. Our kids packed and moved our belongings while my sister and I were making arrangements for Dad's funeral.
Months went by with no progress into communication between us! He worked longer hours and I worked painting, cleaning and fixing up the house, hoping for enough funds from Dad's estate to purchase the house! Distance built walls between us! I was emotionally unavailable to him! He could be home, but he "wasn't"there in spirit; I could talk to him and he didn't acknowledge that I said anything! He was immersed in a virtual world of his phone or computer, which would implode on itself soon.
I was so intent on helping with Dad's estate and finishing Aunt Carole's house that it became easy for me to ignore our situation! The lack of communication, the absence of compassion and empathy! The desert of desolation! The environment of emptiness!
I finished the original part of the house and made preparations for Thanksgiving! We hosted family and friends! Laughter rang out in the house. Small children running; their glee was contagious! Family closeness, such an illusion! A temporary time warp from the grief we had experienced.
Short lived joy! I had worked hard to bring joy back into my life! I thought I had succeeded, but it was only an illusion. My husband's virtual world was exploding-what was hidden no longer was! The weekend after Thanksgiving, my daughter was staying with us and I was at a craft fair with a friend. George was supposed to attend a funeral, but chose not to!
Meanwhile, Samantha, my daughter, was there finishing a book she had been reading! 50 Shades of Grey! George, being curious, started a discussion about the book! But he crossed a line-he started telling her about our sex life, or lack of, and asking for her advice! He went as far as to ask Samantha to cuddle with him! OMG!! She went to her room trying not to make too much of it. It was a stupid thing for him to do!!!! He knocked on the bedroom door to try and explain himself but only made matters worse! He told her that she reminded him of me when I was younger and that he fantasized about her to try and "rekindle" our romance! She didn't know how to handle this because he had been a father figure since she was 8!
She confided in my sister and waited for a time to tell me when he wasn't home! I was astounded! This was out of character because he had always worried about how his intentions were viewed! My eyes were opened; joy shattered on the jagged truth Samantha told me! He had been living a lie! How was I to believe anything he had told or would tell me! OMG! My anger was beyond description! What was I to do??
So, my world lay in shreds around me in a reality that did not exist! I was angry, devastated! I couldn't comprehend how this was happening! My soul died that day along with my marriage.
My husband had destroyed 27 years of marriage in five seconds! Not just that, he shattered the fabric of love I thought we had built our blended family on! It separated my children from our children!
My daughter would no longer stay with us. My sister,also, wouldn't stay with us either! OMG, what was I to do? The house was no longer a sanctuary; it had become a prison cell, an isolation chamber for me. A living HELL!
I called him that night to find out if he would admit his actions. He told me it was true! But. . . .he had "jokingly" said it and had tried to explain it away only to make things worse! He really didn't understand what he had done wrong! Or so he said! "Everyone was making too big of a deal about it."
This was only the beginning. . .
