Oblivious Love

• 01

" To move forward in the future you have to leave the past alone"

- Laurel, Maryland

Nylan Rose
4 years ago.

The doors of the church opened and the pain in my heart grew even stronger. I squeezed my mother's hand and closed my eyes shut as she rubbed my shoulder in comfort.

I bit down on my bottom lip to contain the flow of tears before opening my eyes. As much as I didn't want to believe it, as much as I thought this was a dream, it was real.

This really happened. It was surreal. And it's all my fault.

The pews of the church had little to none people. Only close friends, a few members from her daddy side of the family and a few from mines. The pastor stood at the pulpit, looking into his Bible and Sister Anita sung lowly as I walked with my mother.

With every step, I felt as if I was going to break down all over again. It's only been two weeks and all I've been doing is crying. I ended up quitting my job and moving back in with my mother, all I do is lay in bed and cry with her favorite stuffed animal in my arms.

It's a purple and black panda bear names Bear. It smells exactly like her, she wrote her name on the top of Bear's head to let people know that it was her property.

"Are you okay?" Someone came and touched my shoulder.

"Mhm." I mumbled as I looked at my baby laying there in her casket. I didn't know what to feel or how to feel about this I was upset and angry at who did this but I was more upset with God and why this was his plan.

I never questioned God and why he did things but he did them for reasons like my momma always told me but I always wanted to know why this happen.

I couldn't help but to let a tear slide at the thought. Things happened too fast and if I could, then I would go back to that day and prevent this from happening.

My mother gently touched the glossed wood before sitting in the pew. I stood in front of it and placed my hand on the casket.

I sighed as they were about to close the casket but emotions took over me and I started to run towards the casket and hugged it.

"Please don't close it!" I yelled.

"She's dead, baby let her go." My mother told me as I cried over her casket and everyone had to pull me off of her.

"It's should be me in there not her!" I screamed.

I tore away from them as they just looked at me crazy and I ran out the church to my car.

The one good thing I had was now taken away from me. I don't have anything anymore her father isn't in her life. I don't even know what's going on anymore I'm so oblivious to everything that's going on.

Looking frantically for my pills when I could find them I let out a scream because I was frustrated then I remember they were in my purse. I looked into my purse and found them then I looked for some water so I could wash them down.

I was only suppose to take two but I took four because two was never enough.

Then I heard tapping on the window as I was allowing my rush to kick in and I wasn't even worrying or paying attention to my surroundings.