Rae

I'm sorry to do this to you

My instagram password is garfield101. I have changed it to be the same on every account except for @ frnkqueero. That is iloveandy (I made in 7th grade. Shut up). I will be changing as many passwords as possible to garfield101. If that does not work on anything, try iloveandy. My email password is hotguysrok (made in 6th grade, when I still thought I was a female hetero)

Here, though, I leave the password to my phone. I don't trust having it written down on paper. I do not want my parents to find it. 1087 is the password to unlock anything you will ever need to know about me. The whole story is here. Go through my texts. Go through my pictures. Go through the things I have written in my memo. Go through every single thing that I have and piece it all together. Get to know me. And know how much I value you. You are an amazing human being, and I gr8ly appreciate your existence. That is why you are the one I am trusting this all to.

I want you to out me. Tell my family I was gay, and tell them my name and pronouns. Make sure everyone knows. If you can, see if you can get the school to use the correct name and pronouns when/if they announce my death. Do anything in your power to make sure that they use the correct name on my tombstone, please. If Z. Gardinier is the best you can do, that is okay. Thank you.

If it isn't too much trouble, it would be really hilarious (to me at least) if on the back of my tombstone, you, or someone else, can mimic my handwriting to the best of their ability and write "I faked my death ~Ø." I'm sorry. I know that this is not a time for jokes, but I have always believed in jokes during bad situations.

I want to be remembered. I know that it is selfish, but everyone wants to be remembered. Don't let them forget me. Please. Contact anyone who mattered to me who didn't know me. Make them know who I am. You know who I'm talking about (frank if you somehow don't know). I know that it is stupid, but I want him to know. I need him to know. Every letter I have ever written frank is in either my snazzy notebook, which is loc8ed on the end of my bed between the mattress and the side of the bed, ladder side, or in the manila folder that is somewhere on my floor, probably near my pink chair. The book will be left to dan, but let him know that I am okay with you reading that as well as the others. I have a lot of notebooks. They're all his.

You are welcome to any of my books, art supplies, sketchbooks, and CDs. You're the only person I can think of who will use them properly.

You are such an amazing friend. I love you so much. I'm so so so sorry for asking so much of you. You are more than welcome to give some of the responsibility to someone else. I don't know if dan can handle it, but if you think he can, he is welcome to help. Lizzy Bartlett, who I have not written a note to (I believe?), is also allowed to help if she offers. Thank you, rae. I love you so much.

I am adding to this the first picture I ever took with you and/or dan (the first one I took with either of you happened to have both of you in it). The reason for this is so that you have something to think about when you hear the lyrics "I h8 the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene." When the time comes for things to be over, I will attach whatever is the most recent photo of us together.

If you ever need a quote for me, for any reason (gravestone, obituary, etc.), I would like it to be "even if you're dusted, you may be gone, but out here in the desert, your shadow lives on without you." I used to want it to be "a new marcher to join the black parade," but I am beginning to think of that as stupid. You can choose, though, whichever you think is most fitting. If you can have them bury me in in my black parade jacket, it would feel fitting. Don't you dare let them cremate me. It will make it much harder to get rid of me if I become a vengeful spirit.

I am realizing how much pressure I'm putting on you, and I am so so sorry about it. I won't be around to get mad at you if you mess anything up. I really don't care that much about any of this. I love you so so so much. You're such an amazing human being. I love you so much. I am infinitely indebted to you for all that you've done for me. I love you. You are so so so good. I'm so unbelievably sorry for how much weight I'm putting on your shoulders. I can't express how much you mean to me. Thank you so much.