I get the innate sense that I am going to die alone, sad, and frustrated and it makes me want to die faster. When I say this I dont mean I am naturally a lover and no one loves me back. In a very real and unnerving sense I am incapable of loving another human being in a way that couples I interact with seem to love each other. My love comes in minute waves, sporadic, unpredictable and questionably genuine, even to me. I don't love consistently, wholeheartedly, and more often than that, I don't love at all. I try hard to be a sympathetic person with feelings and reason. But god is cruel and I lack sympathy. I lack trust. I lack the ability to control my emotions. I don't think this can change. I think I'm done; emotionally stunted. I don't think I can grow any further and I've been trying since the day I was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the world.
