Can't Change My Mind

(A/N) this is an assignment I had to do for school about fanaticism. I won't blame you for not seeing a connection to that topic though, I'll write my teacher a note or something so she won't have to go and search for that connection.

Anyway, I know it says larry but this doesn't necessarily have to be them, I actually thought about ziam when I wrote it but yeah, it works for larry as well and I love them. :) there are no names mentioned though so you're free to think of the people as whoever you want them to be..

this is really short, sorry for that but as I said, it was an assignment and its like four times longer than all of my friend's texts soo yeah :D that's that.

this is the first thing I've ever published, I'd appreciate every comment and criticism! honesty is the most important thing, as my favourite writer on here always says.. :)

WARNING: Contains boyxboy material (not sexual or anything its just kinda mentioned..?) and there's mentioning of self harm. don't read this if you're not comfortable with those things!

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He sits in his room, it's only a few minutes to four in the morning and, just like every other day, like every single second of every day for as long as he can remember, he is scared. Scared of changing. Scared of growing old. But what he's most scared of is staying the way he is, forever. He hates the way his mind works and sometimes he just wishes his inner voice would shut up and stop whispering about all the things he already knows.

He knows that he's failing. Falling apart on the inside.

People might not notice because he's constantly smiling, nice to everyone, someone who can light up your day just by talking with you for a few minutes. But that's not who he really is, at least not all of it.

He can read people. And that would be a good thing if it wouldn't make things so easy for him. He doesn't even have to try hard and still nobody notices what a mess he is on the inside. And sometimes he just wishes that someone would see everything, that someone would care.

His thoughts just go in circles, they go from wanting to change his whole life and just make a run for it and never come back to trying to hide who he really is. Not just from everyone around him but from himself as well.

He doesn't want to have to think as much anymore, he wants silence.

Peace.

Unfortunately, he can't have that. Because that's not how life works. Immediately finding what you're looking for isn't something that happens to normal people. Especially not those who are too caught up in their own thoughts to actually look for what they need. They just stumble around in the dark, trying so hard but it's never enough.

He doesn't like who he's become. He knows that he won't be able to change who he is but that doesn't mean that he can't try, right? Right. So that's what his life is all about now. He remembers that, when he was a child, he'd look up to the older kids and wish to be their age. He wanted to see the world. Now he's seen more than he wanted, and it's not possible to un-see those things. He's lost control but he hasn't quite realised that yet. Somewhere, in the dark corners of his mind, there might be the thought of it, the realisation that will come over him, sooner rather than later, and that will wash over him and either leave him behind, with wobbling legs maybe, but stronger.

Or it will take him with it, to a better place.

But that point in time has yet to come. For now, he's pretending. Pretending that he's fine, determined that he can still change everything for the better.

So that's why he sits there on his bed, at 3:59am, just waiting for the last few seconds before the alarm of his alarm clock goes off to pass. When the sound shrills, he sits up, slowly. He reaches out for the button on the clock and then the silence is back. But it's soon disturbed again by the rustling of clothes as he strips out of his colourful pyjamas and puts on black sweats. The innocence of the sleep is gone and he tip toes out of his room, down the stairs and out of the front door. As soon as the dark wooden door closes behind him with a quiet click, he sighs deeply, shaking out his limbs before he takes off in a run.