Body of Lies

Not the Worst

How many more times do I have to be in this place?

I am so embarrassed. I pushed two of the most important people out of my life, and probably lost their respect, for one person. It is hard to look in the mirror these days.

I can feel myself slipping, fading in-and-out of reality. And throughout my history, moments like this have marked the beginning of.... I squeeze my eyes shut, as if to physically shake the memories away. I cannot fall off of the horse. I did it when Safaree and I broke up, well, actually, he did all the breaking up. And I do it whenever I feel like my back is a against the wall. 

In the beginning, you tell yourself that it's a recreational thing. This is what celebrities do. If you're lucky, you may even be able to play the card of youth and recklessness. After a while, you attribute it to habit and tell yourself that there are worse things you could be doing--not even realizing that the self-destruction and self-jeopardizing has already begun. Until finally, you can't stop and someone has to stop you from falling off the edge. Last time I had Safaree, and I didn't always need to when I was with Meek. Now, there is no one here that I care about enough that can stop me. It's a daunting feeling, but it also gives me comfort. I can do it and no one will know, or maybe people will but there are worse things right? No Nicki, this is how Hollywood stars end up on the late night news with the headline "Young Starlet Found Dead in Home".

Since I was 18 years old, I've never not been in a relationship. I don't think I know how to survive without a companion. I could be dramatic and ask why these things happen to me, but I do know that I am, in large part, to blame for my failed unions. 

Some people are just hard to love and maybe not worth loving and maybe that's me and I just never noticed it because I never wanted to see it. The one person I could usually call to talk about it all-- I've betrayed him. 

There are worst things.

No.

But-

No.

There are worst things.

No, Nicki, don't.

If you do, you'll have to be very careful.

You can do it, but you have to do it carefully.

You can do it.

These thoughts plague my head as I unlock my phone and search for  a picture with a very imperative number on it. Dialing quickly, I hop off of my bed and run into the bathroom of my room and lock the door. I press my back against the door and slide down. The voice on the other end blaring through like the firing of a gun. 

"I can be there in like fifteen minutes," he says.

"Knock on the back door and make sure no one sees you," I mutter, disgusted with myself.

"It hasn't been that long," he says before hanging up.

It has. Or at least I choose to believe so.