Losing It All

Chapter Four

The chickens gather around us as we scatter feed for them. One of them flaps her wings against my leg and I laugh as the feathers tickle my skin. I offer her a handful of grain and she pecks at it hungrily while I stroke her small feathered back. To my right, the transfer initiates are chattering while they work. “Did you know,” I hear Coloe saying, “That the technical term for the practice of breeding and raising livestock is animal husbandry?”

“Sure,” says one of the Candor transfers, “That's why when you get married they call the man your husband; because you have to groom and care for him like an animal!”

The group of girls bursts into laughter. While the association is unkind, there are no men around to hear it, so I can't complain. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips. The sound of their laughter makes me happy, but right now I'm too anxious about tonight to let myself relax among them. Coloe walks over to me a squeezes my shoulder. “You're awfully quiet today,” she says.

I blush and try to think of an excuse. “Sorry,” I say. “It's just that these chickens are so cute!” I pick up the one I've been petting and cradle her in my arms.

Coloe gives me a dubious look. “Of all the adjectives you could have picked, you went with cute?”

I laugh and place the chicken back on the ground. “You don't agree?”

She shakes her head. “That is not the descriptor I would have chosen.” I laugh again as her relaxed speech slips back into Erudite formal.

You can take a person out of the faction, but you can never truly take the faction out of the person.

As she tugs me back over to the group, I realize something. Being around the transfers calms me in a way that the initiates I've known my whole life do not. We work together; a web of different customs and ideals, all striving toward the same goal. It feels like freedom at last.

***

Late that night I meet Sam and Emily by the gate for the first time since we'd met. The three short days had felt like years. They greet me warmly and Emily pulls a piece of paper from her pocket, with dates and times scrawled on it. “Our schedule,” she says with a dramatic flourish as she hands the paper over.

I grin and thank her. “So, I guess this means we're official partners in crime,” I say.

Sam throws her arm over my shoulder and leads me over to the closed gate. “No,” she says, “It means that now you get to open the gate for yourself and we get to watch and pretend that we don't notice you.”

I laugh, “Sounds fair, I guess.” I pull open the heavy gate door and slip back into the city.

The sound of the approaching train makes my body thrum with anticipation. It slows and I run along with it, jumping with difficulty and pulling myself inside. I lean against the wall and pant in exhaustion. “You okay?” A voice sounds from the shadows and I watch as Eric appears in front of me. I find myself reaching out to touch his face. “You're here,” I murmur as my fingers cup his cheeks. “I wasn't sure if you'd come.”

“I've been waiting for you,” he says. Butterflies erupt in my stomach and my fingers grip his face more tightly. He flinches slightly and I realize that I've been pressing on the dark coloured bruises marring his pale skin. I let go, but I'm afraid that if I don't continue to touch him he'll disappear. I drop my hands so that they're resting on his chest.

“I'm sorry,” I say, staring at my fingers as they smooth the fabric of his shirt. “I wanted to be here every night, but I couldn't get out.” I look up and find that he's staring at me. My heart begins race and I nervously take a step back. “Umm, but I have the schedule here,” I say, pulling the paper from my pocket. His eyes skim over the dates and times and he nods.

“Then I can expect you during these times?” His dark eyes hold mine.

“If you want me to, I'll be here.” I wanted to speak firmly , but my voice comes out as a breath.

“ I want you here,” he says, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I forget how to breathe. Again. I lift my head and dare to kiss the side of his jaw. Maybe he's just in shock at my audacity, but he doesn't push me away. I press my lips to his neck and hold them there until the need to breathe pulls me away. His arms wrap around me, fingers sliding up and down my lower back. I don't know why but I seem to know what I'm doing; seem to be comfortable with this, even though I've never been this close to anyone before. I move my head so that I can look at him and my lips are immediately captured by his. There is strength and power in him. And violence, but that doesn't bother me. A sound escapes me; one that I can't name and I realize that I want to take his power and make it mine. He shifts, pushing me harder against the wall of the train car. The ribbed metal presses painfully into my back but after a moment I can no longer feel it. There is only him and me; fire and ice. He's stolen all the air again and I let each gasp be swallowed by his lips. Eventually he pulls away and and I bite my lip with a dissatisfied sigh. When I finally open my eyes, I find him watching me carefully. The hunger is gone from his eyes and I wonder how he manages to turn it off so easily. My insides are still on fire. I take a deep breath. This, whatever it is, is over for tonight. That much is clear.

“I -” I try to say something but he shakes his head. That's fine. I didn't know what I was going to say anyway. The train begins to slow and he stands. I can't tell where we are in the darkness, but it must be close to the Dauntless compound because he jumps out, leaving me alone. I travel the rest of the way home in silence.