What If

"What's depression like?" I wanted to know.

"It's like your drowning, but you can see everyone breathing." She told me. Seeing people who have what you want. What you need to survive the long run.

*Chapter One

I stood outside watching the sunset. I've watched many sunsets but this one... this one is different. The colours so vibrant and bold. It was just captivating. My eyes locking to the clouds, making the scene even more dramatic. It seemed to take longer than usual to sink lower in to the Earth. I tried to think of something inspirational, for that's the thing to do, it seemed. I searched deep into my head, searching for something that would give people fire. But I couldn't. As much as the scene seemed inspirational I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. Except; I will never, ever forget this moment. It seemed so important to remember this. The blue, so solid and chief like, the red, so bright it seemed almost arrogant, the pink soft and calming, and the yellow so bright you couldn't help but notice and compliment it's being there. And the cloud. The cloud that was big, cutting the colours in half, black against the pushing colours. I loved it. Standing there, not thinking about anything, just the colours.

| It always makes me mad when people say "Live life happy because it's too short to feel anything else.". That, in my opinion is complete and utter bull. Life isn't about feeling happy. It's about feeling a lot of things. Everything. Sad, mad, angry, exhilarated, so damn happy you feel it in your chest. the pressure inside you that makes you feel like maybe, just maybe, things will be ok. It's about wanting someone so bad it hurts. You feel it in your stomach, that clenching moment when you see them walk by. It's about feeling proud of yourself and the ones you love. When you do something that makes you feel like you can actually do something. It's about feeling like you are going to burst, you just can't hold it in.

But for me.

Personally, it's about feeling all those negative feelings. because those uplifting, positive feelings, they don't always feel real. But feeling sad, just plain old sad... it makes me feel alive.

And that, is what life is about.

Feeling. Even if it hurts, embrace it. You are feeling it for a reason.

You're alive.

•••

"Hello Tristan, have a seat." Callie, the psychiatrist tells me. I sit down in the big over stuffed chair across from her. She hesitates, probably waiting for me to greet her back. I don't.

"I have a question." I say to her. She opens her notepad excitedly; I rarely ever ask questions because that's what they want. Callie wants to compare notes with my therapist, Kelly, so they can pride themselves with sticking me with a diagnosis.

"Go ahead." her pen poised.

"Why does anything matter? Why do people help other people? why do people fight for a better life when they are going to die anyway? Why do they for other people, when they will die? Its a pattern. People are born, they grow up, they go school, they get peer pressured, they go to more school, they get jobs, they feel happy, they feel sad, and more. They get married, have kids, they grow old, and finally they die." I take a breath "I've realized I don't think I can wait for death. Like a kid can't wait to see their friends at school tomorrow. Like they can't physically wait to see them. I can't be here, trying to get better and succeed in life when I am going to die. I can't wait to die of old age or of sickness. I can't sit here for another sixty years, playing Life's game." I finally finish. She stares at me. I'm not suicidal, I could never kill myself. But I don't think I'm mentally strong enough to last.

They say you win when you cross the finish line.

Is that how you win?

You live life? You follow the pattern, you follow the rules?

I guess I'm screwed.

I'm not one for rules.

***

-Hello

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-Julie

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