Deep Black Road: The Head of the Snake

Chapter 38

Suzanne looked over at Ricky from where she stood, and thought, He's willing to share the rest of his life with me; but do I want to do the same with him? He talks like the stuff I want doesn't matter in the big picture; and I just about believe him.

This book here says the only things that matter are God and love, and that God is love. How's that work? All I've ever known is looking out for me; but down boy here's been looking out for me all of a sudden, whether I want it or not.

She stared at the red glow on her hands.

I want the connection back! I ... I want Ricky back.

I actually said that.

I want down boy. I ... am actually willing ... to let go of ... my pride, and make my connection with him the most important thing in my life.

Gah! I don't know what to do!

She looked back at Ricky, who was on the ground, playing with Philip.

Ricky's already made me really important in his life, along with God and Philip. He wants to make me happy. How crazy can a guy get? Why ... why should I be happy? Why's it so important to him? Is that what love is?

If I don't get reconnected soon, I'm going to go crazy!

He's got no pride. He's having fun, doing something that's so mindless; but even I can see it's everything to Philip.

Look at me! I don't care about Philip. I only care about me. I've got my pride. She braced herself. And I hate it. I hate it! Sometimes I've even wished I was dead! Boy, that's got to be one of the dumbest things I could ever think. But Ricky wants me to stay alive and be with him.

She stared at the Earth high above and radioed "Ricky?"

"Yeah?"

"You said you don't like me. Well, I don't like me either. There's nothing pretty about what I am."

Ricky flipped Philip onto his tummy on the ground; and the little guy got up onto his hands and knees, and started to rock back and forth experimentally.

"You know," Ricky radioed finally. "You're a mess."

"Tell me about it. I hate the way I am."

"But you keep fighting to hold onto it. So give it up."

"You say that like it's easy."

"Because it is," he radioed, and looked over to where she stood. "You just have to accept that God's the boss of your life, then say, 'I forgive my parents,' and you're done."

"Oh right, that's all," she replied. "Listen! My parents never loved me. I don't even know why they had me. I mean, they pawned me off on nannies almost from day one. It's like I was a mistake, something they never wanted, except to show off that they could be parents. Th-that's unforgivable."

"Sure, but so's making yourself more important than God in your life. That's what got that man and woman kicked out of God's presence after all."

She looked back at him. And got me kicked off your connection. Then she radioed, "But I just want what belongs to me!"

"Forget it! You can't go back. Face it. Even if your parents fell madly in love with you this minute, would it make any difference? Would it fix your broken life?"

She lit up her hands again; and they cast a flickering red glow on her face as she radioed, "No, it wouldn't. I'd never be able to trust them."

"There you go."