How long has it been? One year or was it two? I don’t know. I’ve lost count. Since that day, days have been a blur. They just come and go. Everything was the same. It was like life lost its color. My days became a routine—there was no excitement. There was nothing to look forward to. Life became black and white. There were no more splashes of red, blue, and yellow.
I let out a sigh.
I should be moving on. I should be getting on with my life and stop dwelling in the past. I should be like him who’s gotten over us and found someone new. As always, he was one step ahead of me. It was always like that.
@jericfortuna : @maraisabelsotto Hi, beautiful! :)
Why do I even torture myself? Why do I still follow them on Twitter, Instagram, and all those social networking sites?
Right… We were friends. All three of us. It’s funny how destiny played with me. Destiny gave him to me then took him away only to be given to a friend of mine.
No, I’m not mad at her. I could never be. Jealous, yes… But not mad—never mad.
I chucked my phone away from me, not bothering where it landed, and shut my eyes as I reclined on my bed. Thoughts of the past haunted me. What if’s continued to tease my mind.
Why was I even being like this? Why can’t I get over him—get over us? It was a mutual decision so why am I still stuck here?
Seeing his face in my mind, the different expressions he made, the smiles he had… It made my heart clench as I felt tears forming in my eyes. It was always like this. I cry in the confines of my condo where no one can see and hear me.
“What’s happening to us?” I whispered, slowly losing hope in our relationship. The past few months haven’t been the same. I felt that he was being detached. It wasn’t the same Jeric from before. I know it’s not because of basketball. Basketball was never an issue between us. “Is there something wrong, Jic?”
“It’s nothing,” he sighed.
“So there is something?” I pushed. I know it. I feel it in my gut.
“Hannah,” Jeric sighed once again. “I said it’s nothing. Nothing’s wrong. Bakit ba ang kulit mo?”
“Maybe for you there’s nothing wrong, Jeric… Pero hindi naman iyon ang nararamdaman ko eh. Hindi iyon ang nakikita ko,”
“Bakit, Han? Tell me. Tell me what you feel, what you see para naman maintindihan ko kung bakit pinipilit mo na may mali kahit wala,” he snapped.
“Maybe you don’t feel it but I feel like I’m losing you…” I took in a deep breath. “Feeling ko… Feeling ko iiwan mo ako. I feel like this relationship won’t progress. Feeling ko ako na lang yung lumalaban eh. I’m so scared, Jic. Every night, I think of why you’re slowly starting to drift away. I think of my shortcomings, my weaknesses… Iniisip ko kung hindi ko ba binibigay lahat…
“I don’t know why but in my gut I feel that what we are isn’t the same as before nor is it better than before. Minsan nga, tinatanong ko pa sarili ko kung talaga bang tayo pa or label na lang iyon sa atin eh.
“Those nights na hindi ka sumisipot at wala man lang kahit isang text… Those days when I needed you but you were nowhere to be found... Yung mga oras pakiramdam ko susuko na ako. Yung mga oras na parang wala nang tamang nangyayari. I know, maybe I’ve become a little too dependent on you. Maybe I became so used to having you around me kaya ganito.
“Pero Jeric… I can’t feel you anymore. It’s just not the same. Kaya please… Sabihin mo na lang kung may iba na o kung nag-iba na yung nararamdaman mo. Wag naman yung ganito na nanghuhula ako. It’s hard, I’m telling you. Kaya please, just tell me if you don’t feel the same anymore. Tell me kung nagsasawa ka na. Tell me if you don’t love me anymore. Maiintindihan ko. I’ll do everything I can just to understand why even if I don’t. Kasi ayoko na ng ganito. I don’t want to tie you down to me. Ayoko yung tayo nga pero wala naman na. Mas mabuti nang maghiwalay kaya masaktan lang tayo lalo kapag pinatagal pa natin ito. Siguro nga, hindi sapat yung pagmamahal lang,”
